I think this is me trying to grow up

I almost put "us" instead of "up" in the title just now. Hm.

It's been forever, I know--not because I'm over the blog thing (hah thinking out loud is just SOOOO 2 seconds ago...) it's just felt tight. In my head. Not that it's any more loose now, but I'm gonna stretch out and make myself breathe, and write.
Because you've just got to make yourself sometimes.

First, a jubilation.

I just adopted a 5-month-old puppy a week ago today, and named her Sadie because she is all blubber and creamy white and butterscotch freckles, and curiosity. She lives up here with me, Kate, Nicole, and Norah, and she makes me think.

And now a confession.

I don't know if she loves me, and that's never quite happened before. Yesyes Kate and Nicole assure me that she really does, while I'm cleaning up her latest accident, or fretting over her whimperings when we kennel her for the night, or when I try to pet her and she takes a step back and sits down, with her head cocked just far enough out of reach, quizzically staring into my eyes. But I've never had such a bizarre relationship with any animal...she loves food, I know that much. She loves playing with other dogs, but I don't understand her.

And I think that's been the biggest challenge. I won't pretend I'm a saintly dogowner. She makes mistakes, and I can get very impatient very quickly. She's smart, so it takes the edge off knowing that she learns fast and realizes what you mean (most of the time) when you correct her...but she's JUST like a 4-year-old kid, who knows not to jump on the couch and then does it anyway. And pees while she's there. And this isn't going to be a rant on her....but the idea of sacrifice becomes even more keen when given to someone or something that a) doesn't realize what you give up for its own personal comfort, and b) doesn't seem to take any interest in furthering relationship or giving love of itself.

But that just makes me realize how selfish it is to claim ownership over something for the sole purpose of wanting it to lavish you with love. The reason I should care for Sadie and love her should have nothing to do with what she can offer me, and all the purpose of saving a life and giving love unselfishly to help her grow. Altruism is a double-edged sword; you praise high ideals and see beyond yourself, and then see yourself as you are barely touching the tip of anything you just praised. Oh well. At the very least this whole experience gives me a new perspective on responsibly raising and being the protector of a smaller, weaker being. It's exhausting sometimes, and for a girl who loves instant gratification, it's not very gratifying. My only hope is seeing what Norah has become with tons of patience and time put into her well-being by Kate. It's been a pretty radical transformation.

Also, this whole deal makes me skeptical of ever having children. Yikes. I don't know what my parents were thinking.