I have to say it. I have to say it.
I'm terrified. Blindly, purely terrified.
It's having been re-brought into the world, an alien existence in a foreign land where there are no familiar caresses and no sure paths. The light is brighter here--I find myself blinking furiously when I walk outside. I can't stand still for long but know that all this movement is only steering me into distraction, not assurance or peace or even a solid direction.
I realize it sometimes, when I look up from reading and realize my room is only half-finished, with pictures still lying there on the floor, waiting to be hung up. Or when I sit with a hot chai latte and stare out the window, feeling a rising sense of panic that I have to do something and have to do it now.
NOW!
But what??? I desperately cry out in my mind. Just tell me what you need from me and you know I won't hesitate!
But nothing comes. I'm forced to wait in this in-between place, and wait. And hope to God something makes sense before I run out of money or time or life in my bones.
It reminds me of 2 weeks ago when, out in the woods on a project, my supervisor stopped the 16 or so of us and told us we were to fan out and be just within sight of one another, but that if we were to lose sight of those people on either side of us, we would just use our compass set to the bearings he gave, and we would find the road we were looking for easily.
(Rising panic that I have to quench....directions are my ultimate weakness, and if there is any way to get lost I will somehow manage to do it.) So we set out, and sure enough, I find myself alone after only minutes of walking.
Nothing makes sense as to my purpose here.
1 comment:
Here's my Lost Advice: Don't run. Moving blindly into the unknown's a bad risk. Stop. Hug a tree. Breathe slowly. Hug the tree tighter. Wait until the sheer body chemistry-induced sense of terror subsides. Then think back to the last point where you weren't lost. Try to retrace your steps. Look for something familiar. Hug another tree. Continue backtracking, tree to tree, until you find the trail. Once you find it, sit down square in the middle of the path. Close your eyes. Offer thanks. Rest. Ponder your next move. Survey your surroundings. Regain your confidence as the panic evaporates. Take a deep breath and, slowly, carefully, start again.
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