I almost put "us" instead of "up" in the title just now. Hm.
It's been forever, I know--not because I'm over the blog thing (hah thinking out loud is just SOOOO 2 seconds ago...) it's just felt tight. In my head. Not that it's any more loose now, but I'm gonna stretch out and make myself breathe, and write.
Because you've just got to make yourself sometimes.
First, a jubilation.
I just adopted a 5-month-old puppy a week ago today, and named her Sadie because she is all blubber and creamy white and butterscotch freckles, and curiosity. She lives up here with me, Kate, Nicole, and Norah, and she makes me think.
And now a confession.
I don't know if she loves me, and that's never quite happened before. Yesyes Kate and Nicole assure me that she really does, while I'm cleaning up her latest accident, or fretting over her whimperings when we kennel her for the night, or when I try to pet her and she takes a step back and sits down, with her head cocked just far enough out of reach, quizzically staring into my eyes. But I've never had such a bizarre relationship with any animal...she loves food, I know that much. She loves playing with other dogs, but I don't understand her.
And I think that's been the biggest challenge. I won't pretend I'm a saintly dogowner. She makes mistakes, and I can get very impatient very quickly. She's smart, so it takes the edge off knowing that she learns fast and realizes what you mean (most of the time) when you correct her...but she's JUST like a 4-year-old kid, who knows not to jump on the couch and then does it anyway. And pees while she's there. And this isn't going to be a rant on her....but the idea of sacrifice becomes even more keen when given to someone or something that a) doesn't realize what you give up for its own personal comfort, and b) doesn't seem to take any interest in furthering relationship or giving love of itself.
But that just makes me realize how selfish it is to claim ownership over something for the sole purpose of wanting it to lavish you with love. The reason I should care for Sadie and love her should have nothing to do with what she can offer me, and all the purpose of saving a life and giving love unselfishly to help her grow. Altruism is a double-edged sword; you praise high ideals and see beyond yourself, and then see yourself as you are barely touching the tip of anything you just praised. Oh well. At the very least this whole experience gives me a new perspective on responsibly raising and being the protector of a smaller, weaker being. It's exhausting sometimes, and for a girl who loves instant gratification, it's not very gratifying. My only hope is seeing what Norah has become with tons of patience and time put into her well-being by Kate. It's been a pretty radical transformation.
Also, this whole deal makes me skeptical of ever having children. Yikes. I don't know what my parents were thinking.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Well.
After many miles driven with open windows b/c my a/c went out, and many frustrating moments and near-almosts, I finally signed the lease today on a sweet property in Nederland, CO for Kate, Nicole, and me this upcoming month. Assuming no one wants to rent out the first priority house before Sept. 1st, it's all ours. (Praypraypray). But even if they do, our guaranteed house is suh-weet! Either way, I'm very ready to be living with my hot babes and making a house a home. :) And exploring a town where dogs wander free and bluegrass is king.
Cheers.
After many miles driven with open windows b/c my a/c went out, and many frustrating moments and near-almosts, I finally signed the lease today on a sweet property in Nederland, CO for Kate, Nicole, and me this upcoming month. Assuming no one wants to rent out the first priority house before Sept. 1st, it's all ours. (Praypraypray). But even if they do, our guaranteed house is suh-weet! Either way, I'm very ready to be living with my hot babes and making a house a home. :) And exploring a town where dogs wander free and bluegrass is king.
Cheers.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Every day I fight for
all my future somethings.
-Natasha B.
My coworker looked at me today, briefly, before looking through the windshield of the truck and frowning at the sky.
He said, "I think I've been stagnating here. I need mountains."
And he said it in that way that comforts me in knowing that he's alert and oriented times four. He said it like he's always thought it and just now ventured to put it out into the open air, letting it grow in the bright Colorado sunshine. He was made for mountains, and has always lived beneath them here. Things have to change and they will, as he figures them out and steps over them, and it's things like that that bring life back into focus. Like a man who doesn't need any other woman than the one who's been beside him since they said "I do." Like someone who smiles on a Monday, simply because they love Mondays. Like a nice cozy Mexican blanket warmed by the sun all day to read on.
I worked almost exclusively with another coworker yesterday. He works for the weekends (but never does catch up to them) and mumbles half his words because he thinks that silence is a cage. And he reads Sports Illustrated and talks about teams he doesn't care about, and how the food wasn't that great at a restaurant the other day, and sometimes admits through his missed connections that he doesn't understand forever with someone, or dare to try to reach his goal. He sounds like an old man, and I'm sad for him every day, every minute. I'm sad that he's missing it, because he's too preoccupied with who knows...moneyworkreallifeworkworldproblems. He can't sit still, because his worth is tied to his physical movement.
When lukewarm thoughts stir out of his lips, I close my eyes for a fraction of a second and silently shake off the tired feeling of hopelessness, remembering the man who rediscovered his first love and is burning to return to his mountains. Let the fuel set the dry, bloodless timber alight.
all my future somethings.
-Natasha B.
My coworker looked at me today, briefly, before looking through the windshield of the truck and frowning at the sky.
He said, "I think I've been stagnating here. I need mountains."
And he said it in that way that comforts me in knowing that he's alert and oriented times four. He said it like he's always thought it and just now ventured to put it out into the open air, letting it grow in the bright Colorado sunshine. He was made for mountains, and has always lived beneath them here. Things have to change and they will, as he figures them out and steps over them, and it's things like that that bring life back into focus. Like a man who doesn't need any other woman than the one who's been beside him since they said "I do." Like someone who smiles on a Monday, simply because they love Mondays. Like a nice cozy Mexican blanket warmed by the sun all day to read on.
I worked almost exclusively with another coworker yesterday. He works for the weekends (but never does catch up to them) and mumbles half his words because he thinks that silence is a cage. And he reads Sports Illustrated and talks about teams he doesn't care about, and how the food wasn't that great at a restaurant the other day, and sometimes admits through his missed connections that he doesn't understand forever with someone, or dare to try to reach his goal. He sounds like an old man, and I'm sad for him every day, every minute. I'm sad that he's missing it, because he's too preoccupied with who knows...moneyworkreallifeworkworldproblems. He can't sit still, because his worth is tied to his physical movement.
When lukewarm thoughts stir out of his lips, I close my eyes for a fraction of a second and silently shake off the tired feeling of hopelessness, remembering the man who rediscovered his first love and is burning to return to his mountains. Let the fuel set the dry, bloodless timber alight.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Well...just took my first practice timed GRE test (well, just the quantitative and verbal) and guess what results were like?
Verbal: 11 right, 9 wrong.
Quantitative: 9 right, 11 wrong.
I guess I should be ready for the real deal, right? Flying colors all around!! Schools will be on their knees begging me to come. I love it.
:)
Verbal: 11 right, 9 wrong.
Quantitative: 9 right, 11 wrong.
I guess I should be ready for the real deal, right? Flying colors all around!! Schools will be on their knees begging me to come. I love it.
:)
Monday, August 8, 2011
Anger is a choice.
Patience can come from ignoring (or tackling) frustration. I know this.
...
but right now things have been stacking up to make this a very frustrating morning. So I'm going to write down the things that make this a good day. Because I need it right now.
I'm drinking green tea, about to eat some Palisades peaches, which have been rumored to be among the best on the planet (by the locals). And they're just now in season! And the peaches were free from the farmer's market!
I've finally put my new inspection sticker on my car (sorry, mom), so productivity is through the roof.
Going to Boulder with two friends later today to house-hunt for next month...I'm excited about the road trip, excited for the hang-out time, excited to finally be moving toward a definite direction of having a place to stay a month from now.
Not a cloud in the sky; it's so sunny and warm today.
I plan on reading through one of 3 books later: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (with a feel-good ending), a relationships book that will tell me how not to be dysfunctional, or something, or the book my mom sent me about spoiled Saudi women who fly all over the world and still have to hold a man's hand to cross the street (potentially frustrating). So probably Harry Potter.
I get to mail off some love to friends today!
God provides everything.
Mom comes in a week! Just to see me!! Me!!! I feel so special. :)
Got invited by one of the girls I met at the new church yesterday to fro-yo on Wednesday with some of the other girls. Girls night, yogurt, so typically yummy. New friends are always a plus.
I have some leads on the housing stuff, not all of them fake scams. Stupid scams...
Okay, maybe it's a little better now. We'll see.
Patience can come from ignoring (or tackling) frustration. I know this.
...
but right now things have been stacking up to make this a very frustrating morning. So I'm going to write down the things that make this a good day. Because I need it right now.
I'm drinking green tea, about to eat some Palisades peaches, which have been rumored to be among the best on the planet (by the locals). And they're just now in season! And the peaches were free from the farmer's market!
I've finally put my new inspection sticker on my car (sorry, mom), so productivity is through the roof.
Going to Boulder with two friends later today to house-hunt for next month...I'm excited about the road trip, excited for the hang-out time, excited to finally be moving toward a definite direction of having a place to stay a month from now.
Not a cloud in the sky; it's so sunny and warm today.
I plan on reading through one of 3 books later: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (with a feel-good ending), a relationships book that will tell me how not to be dysfunctional, or something, or the book my mom sent me about spoiled Saudi women who fly all over the world and still have to hold a man's hand to cross the street (potentially frustrating). So probably Harry Potter.
I get to mail off some love to friends today!
God provides everything.
Mom comes in a week! Just to see me!! Me!!! I feel so special. :)
Got invited by one of the girls I met at the new church yesterday to fro-yo on Wednesday with some of the other girls. Girls night, yogurt, so typically yummy. New friends are always a plus.
I have some leads on the housing stuff, not all of them fake scams. Stupid scams...
Okay, maybe it's a little better now. We'll see.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
The hyena smirks.
"This is who you are," It rasps.
I slowly turn my head, enough to keep its wide skull and reddish eyes in my periphoral vision, but not enough to stop walking.
"This is who I have chosen never to be again." I reply. Check the soles of my shoes for grip on the sidewalk. Keep moving, keep moving.
A click-clack of its claws on pavement-slow, unmeasured gaits from a barrel-chested beast...snout lifted high trying to sniff out the breeze for a hint of blood. A long pause.
"You are a toy. A shiny, pretty toy for my children to amuse themselves with, until they've had their drunken fill. You were meant to fill the time, not to be a part of it." It finally declares.
"I am a truth..." checking the sky for rain, I notice a distant thunderhead, rumbling menacingly. Walk faster. Do I believe it?
"This is who you are," It rasps.
I slowly turn my head, enough to keep its wide skull and reddish eyes in my periphoral vision, but not enough to stop walking.
"This is who I have chosen never to be again." I reply. Check the soles of my shoes for grip on the sidewalk. Keep moving, keep moving.
A click-clack of its claws on pavement-slow, unmeasured gaits from a barrel-chested beast...snout lifted high trying to sniff out the breeze for a hint of blood. A long pause.
"You are a toy. A shiny, pretty toy for my children to amuse themselves with, until they've had their drunken fill. You were meant to fill the time, not to be a part of it." It finally declares.
"I am a truth..." checking the sky for rain, I notice a distant thunderhead, rumbling menacingly. Walk faster. Do I believe it?
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