It started with the armpit hair.

Suddenly, I went from worrying about stubble to stretching languidly in crowds of guys my age with no sense of insecurity.
In a heartbeat, I felt like I could take up room, sit in trees all morning, laugh at my own jokes, and not have to go running to love my body. And I no longer wince if I accidentally leave underwear on my floor. (But then again, I'm unashamedly proud of my underwear.)

Sure, I could feel some stares, but nobody was willing to mention it, and as time passed, people just accepted it as a possible side effect of living out here...and maybe that made me feel more comfortable about forgetting to shave, but the truth is
I've
never
felt
free-er.
(sexier).

....
But there are some days I feel like this is a different universe than the one I was supposed to be in. People don't understand my jokes here, people don't laugh out loud for no reason at all.

My housemates always listen to good music and eat foods I can't pronounce, and go biking instead of releasing harmful fuel emissions into the ozone. They know their liquer, but I can't get them to show excitement in a real way, or let go of that tightly coiled control that keeps them safe for one moment.

I've taken to walking in the woods outside of my front door in the evenings, letting the cool evening breeze play with me and listen in on my thoughts. I used to wish there was someone to share this with, but somehow this feels too intimate for another human being to be there as well...the sky is wide and usually blazes deep orange, and reminds me to look up, not always at my feet.

Also, get this: today, I used the clothesline in the backyard which seems to trap sunshine (confession: I may have moved into this house simply because of that yard, and the view from the front porch) to dry my laundry, and I may never be able to go back to a dryer. I can't tell you how good it felt to pin the linens up, and watch them float in the breeze, losing yourself in the gentle explosion of color...

Also, I miss my sister...she understands the language of laughter and midnight.