the keys

Here, in a foreign country where English is an afterthought (if a thought at all) to most, I have nothing to offer you but a conversation-no connections you can make your own, no information about wild Parisian nightlife, not even a sample of fragrant French cheese for you to nibble on (although I will gladly bust out the Julios chips that traveled over an ocean to find us for this occasion).

Here, I am a raw human being, cutting to the things that really matter. Clothes are no longer the focus of my daily preparations (when you pack enough to see you through 2 weeks, you get used to seeing the same things over and over again). Here, all around me, other foreign exchange students are small-talking while wildly grasping for any human touch, any similar characteristic, anything to make them believe even slightly that they are not alone (and therefore by common deduction must be unpopular).
But here,

we are alone!

And it's the wildest, weirdest, most mind-bogglingly beautiful realization I could imagine. I'm truly tested-
am I still worth something when there's no one else around to talk to me? Am I still worth something if in a huge city full of people I am at home most Saturday nights doing homework or laundry? And the answers have been a long time in coming to me (it's hard to hear them when you're in your hometown surrounded by everyone and everything) but they do: in a quiet walk back to the apartment at night laden with fresh groceries, stepping over puddles reflecting soft lamplight spilling over on the street corners, I see in the quiet that yes, yes, YES I am something. Yes I am still worth talking to, yes I am still worth hanging out with, and even deeper than those things, yes--I know who I am without the opinions of others to back me up. I am sure of myself even when I don't have plans for tomorrow evening, or am quiet for an entire afternoon, nothing occupying me but thoughts. My worth is not in the opinions of others, solely in the company of people, or anything else like that. And now I'm seeing what's left when all of that is stripped away.

So come, have a seat, and get comfortable...because now I know that I really really am.