Wide Eyes, Blue Skies...

I think this is me trying to grow up

2011-11-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

I almost put "us" instead of "up" in the title just now. Hm.

It's been forever, I know--not because I'm over the blog thing (hah thinking out loud is just SOOOO 2 seconds ago...) it's just felt tight. In my head. Not that it's any more loose now, but I'm gonna stretch out and make myself breathe, and write.
Because you've just got to make yourself sometimes.

First, a jubilation.

I just adopted a 5-month-old puppy a week ago today, and named her Sadie because she is all blubber and creamy white and butterscotch freckles, and curiosity. She lives up here with me, Kate, Nicole, and Norah, and she makes me think.

And now a confession.

I don't know if she loves me, and that's never quite happened before. Yesyes Kate and Nicole assure me that she really does, while I'm cleaning up her latest accident, or fretting over her whimperings when we kennel her for the night, or when I try to pet her and she takes a step back and sits down, with her head cocked just far enough out of reach, quizzically staring into my eyes. But I've never had such a bizarre relationship with any animal...she loves food, I know that much. She loves playing with other dogs, but I don't understand her.

And I think that's been the biggest challenge. I won't pretend I'm a saintly dogowner. She makes mistakes, and I can get very impatient very quickly. She's smart, so it takes the edge off knowing that she learns fast and realizes what you mean (most of the time) when you correct her...but she's JUST like a 4-year-old kid, who knows not to jump on the couch and then does it anyway. And pees while she's there. And this isn't going to be a rant on her....but the idea of sacrifice becomes even more keen when given to someone or something that a) doesn't realize what you give up for its own personal comfort, and b) doesn't seem to take any interest in furthering relationship or giving love of itself.

But that just makes me realize how selfish it is to claim ownership over something for the sole purpose of wanting it to lavish you with love. The reason I should care for Sadie and love her should have nothing to do with what she can offer me, and all the purpose of saving a life and giving love unselfishly to help her grow. Altruism is a double-edged sword; you praise high ideals and see beyond yourself, and then see yourself as you are barely touching the tip of anything you just praised. Oh well. At the very least this whole experience gives me a new perspective on responsibly raising and being the protector of a smaller, weaker being. It's exhausting sometimes, and for a girl who loves instant gratification, it's not very gratifying. My only hope is seeing what Norah has become with tons of patience and time put into her well-being by Kate. It's been a pretty radical transformation.

Also, this whole deal makes me skeptical of ever having children. Yikes. I don't know what my parents were thinking.

2011-08-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

Well.

After many miles driven with open windows b/c my a/c went out, and many frustrating moments and near-almosts, I finally signed the lease today on a sweet property in Nederland, CO for Kate, Nicole, and me this upcoming month. Assuming no one wants to rent out the first priority house before Sept. 1st, it's all ours. (Praypraypray). But even if they do, our guaranteed house is suh-weet! Either way, I'm very ready to be living with my hot babes and making a house a home. :) And exploring a town where dogs wander free and bluegrass is king.

Cheers.

2011-08-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

Grandma says I'll

NEVER

catch me a man if I don't

STOP

talking about wrestling the alligators and

eating the WHOLE CARTON of

Mint Oreo Ice Cream.

2011-08-13T14:59:00.000-07:00

Every day I fight for
all my future somethings.
-Natasha B.

My coworker looked at me today, briefly, before looking through the windshield of the truck and frowning at the sky.
He said, "I think I've been stagnating here. I need mountains."

And he said it in that way that comforts me in knowing that he's alert and oriented times four. He said it like he's always thought it and just now ventured to put it out into the open air, letting it grow in the bright Colorado sunshine. He was made for mountains, and has always lived beneath them here. Things have to change and they will, as he figures them out and steps over them, and it's things like that that bring life back into focus. Like a man who doesn't need any other woman than the one who's been beside him since they said "I do." Like someone who smiles on a Monday, simply because they love Mondays. Like a nice cozy Mexican blanket warmed by the sun all day to read on.

I worked almost exclusively with another coworker yesterday. He works for the weekends (but never does catch up to them) and mumbles half his words because he thinks that silence is a cage. And he reads Sports Illustrated and talks about teams he doesn't care about, and how the food wasn't that great at a restaurant the other day, and sometimes admits through his missed connections that he doesn't understand forever with someone, or dare to try to reach his goal. He sounds like an old man, and I'm sad for him every day, every minute. I'm sad that he's missing it, because he's too preoccupied with who knows...moneyworkreallifeworkworldproblems. He can't sit still, because his worth is tied to his physical movement.

When lukewarm thoughts stir out of his lips, I close my eyes for a fraction of a second and silently shake off the tired feeling of hopelessness, remembering the man who rediscovered his first love and is burning to return to his mountains. Let the fuel set the dry, bloodless timber alight.

2011-08-09T21:21:00.000-07:00

Well...just took my first practice timed GRE test (well, just the quantitative and verbal) and guess what results were like?

Verbal: 11 right, 9 wrong.
Quantitative: 9 right, 11 wrong.

I guess I should be ready for the real deal, right? Flying colors all around!! Schools will be on their knees begging me to come. I love it.
:)

2011-08-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

Anger is a choice.
Patience can come from ignoring (or tackling) frustration. I know this.

...

but right now things have been stacking up to make this a very frustrating morning. So I'm going to write down the things that make this a good day. Because I need it right now.

I'm drinking green tea, about to eat some Palisades peaches, which have been rumored to be among the best on the planet (by the locals). And they're just now in season! And the peaches were free from the farmer's market!

I've finally put my new inspection sticker on my car (sorry, mom), so productivity is through the roof.

Going to Boulder with two friends later today to house-hunt for next month...I'm excited about the road trip, excited for the hang-out time, excited to finally be moving toward a definite direction of having a place to stay a month from now.

Not a cloud in the sky; it's so sunny and warm today.

I plan on reading through one of 3 books later: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (with a feel-good ending), a relationships book that will tell me how not to be dysfunctional, or something, or the book my mom sent me about spoiled Saudi women who fly all over the world and still have to hold a man's hand to cross the street (potentially frustrating). So probably Harry Potter.

I get to mail off some love to friends today!

God provides everything.

Mom comes in a week! Just to see me!! Me!!! I feel so special. :)

Got invited by one of the girls I met at the new church yesterday to fro-yo on Wednesday with some of the other girls. Girls night, yogurt, so typically yummy. New friends are always a plus.

I have some leads on the housing stuff, not all of them fake scams. Stupid scams...

Okay, maybe it's a little better now. We'll see.

2011-07-31T18:48:00.000-07:00

The hyena smirks.

"This is who you are," It rasps.

I slowly turn my head, enough to keep its wide skull and reddish eyes in my periphoral vision, but not enough to stop walking.

"This is who I have chosen never to be again." I reply. Check the soles of my shoes for grip on the sidewalk. Keep moving, keep moving.

A click-clack of its claws on pavement-slow, unmeasured gaits from a barrel-chested beast...snout lifted high trying to sniff out the breeze for a hint of blood. A long pause.

"You are a toy. A shiny, pretty toy for my children to amuse themselves with, until they've had their drunken fill. You were meant to fill the time, not to be a part of it." It finally declares.

"I am a truth..." checking the sky for rain, I notice a distant thunderhead, rumbling menacingly. Walk faster. Do I believe it?

2011-07-30T23:37:00.000-07:00

thoughts run clearer on a late-night bike ride surrounded by stars and adopted family. i love alli, and carmen, for eating french fries for no good reason with me tonight, and becca for not taking life so seriously, even as it's crouched and waiting to pounce on any unraveling threads it spies on our souls. Too dramatic? Yes.
Bed? Definitely now.

2011-07-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

I feel unusually protective of her. She knows so much she shouldn't have to right now, and I'm so proud of all the things she already feels from her head to her toes that take some people a lifetime to stop and pay attention to.
(She'll save her own life by living.)
And sometimes I wonder, if she could have the good without the bad, too. If she would be as whole without the parts that I would never have let her have if the universe were up to me.

I never want her to ever feel like she can't ever be enough. I want to applaud her beautiful dreams and always run the race alongside her, always never looking behind...because all that's left back there is dust.

I want her to make good heart-decisions, and to not question herself. I wish away from her every stu[id mistake I've made, every decision that's torn me through. I bless her with good common sense, brassiness, and truth shining bright into her soul. I don't want her to wake up some morning wondering what what what was that mess she got into...but to remember herself and learn herself through and through, even though it has some scary parts. I want her to believe that she's the leading lady in her drama, because it's so obviously true to the rest of us.
I want her to forgive herself through and through, and believe it every new day. Believe there is a True Love Being who already knows all of these things and all of her nows and futures, and calls the whole of her

beautiful, lovely

bride.

I want her to always feel wanted, but not in that skeezy way that is twisted up and is wringing out its foul dishwater all over the sky. Just in the comfortable, inviting, excited way. Like the meet-her-at-the-arrivals-gate way, or the shhhh-surprise-birthday-party-lights-on-quick way.

Because she means so much to me. I have seen her in all of herself, and herself sticking to me, and love her everyday for being.

So don't you dare hurt her, don't you dare subtly poke her with sharp stick-words, don't you even dare to give her snakes instead of a loaf of bread...because she is love and to hurt love is to destroy
yourself.

And also, please look out for her when she's in faraway places that I can't reach, that I can't hear, or run to fast enough to embrace her.

Long Hot Shower

2011-07-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

I took a l o n g, hot shower today
and let it saturate me with confidence and faith
I scrubbed real hard until the fear rinsed clean away

I shaved the armor off my legs
Loofa'd the rough spots on my soul and I
Washed that man right outta my hair

I conditioned and combed the tangled knots out of my mind
took a long, hot shower today
and lathered my pride

I lathered it into a rich full lather
and let the suds slide down into the bottom of the tub
and felt every ounce of healing power
that fell from my showerhead

and let me tell you...

the water pressure was just right
for that hightened awareness clean that leaves your spirit moist like morning dew
and your thoughts fresh like newly cut grass

and just as i am about to rinse and repeat
the water runs cold...

...turn off the faucet

I stand shivering

as I watch the last few drops of my insecurity hold on for dear life
until they finally drop directly into the drain
disappear into the blackness

I took a long, hot shower today
Delicately patted my self-esteem dry

Powdered my newfound power

...took a long, hot shower.

-Bridget Gray

2011-07-20T20:49:00.000-07:00

i understand
(but i don't)

i am here
(but i'm not there)

i breathe
(sometimes,slowly)

i love
(clumsily, hesitantly, hardly, wholly)

i wish
(faith is believing in things not
yet
seen
)

love born or reminded

2011-07-20T20:39:00.000-07:00

To a man who can
read into the dusky sky lines
who can walk faster
listen closer
wonder farther
than any man
I have yet to meet.

To a man who has been able to
beat out his own rhythm with
muses of the west
and bare concrete as his inspiration
to bigger
broader
horizons

To a Man who knows
how to coax life from the
hard unforgiving soil
and whisper just the right words
to give it strength to thrive on dust
and cloudless blue
sky

but

also protect from harm
those he loves
(and who love him)
with certainty that
radiates throughout
the darkness

To a Man who taught much
with his hands
and his silences
as well as his words
(both black and white and those never seen or heard again)
who appreciates beauty
in the desolate places, in the
hidden valleys
in the
open roads

To a Man who is today
who was always
there
(in my whole existence)
and will always
be

I celebrate you today.

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you so truly, thank you for being.
:)

A Spark

2011-07-14T19:00:00.000-07:00

http://http://worldblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/07/14/7084536-afghan-women-rally-turning-men-red-faced-with-anger

This gives me hope, lots of it. And a fresh wake-up call.

2011-07-12T15:51:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9qUMr6feOI

There are those moments
when I wish I had skin the color of dark cacao
and history written through my blood, stretched over the palms of my hands
I could shave my head or let my mane loose wild all-over
and either would transfix you, bring new life into a concrete river
and I'd have a throaty laugh with smooth white teeth that shine like diamonds
and oooooh you know I'd let them sparkle with every happiness I thought out loud
(so you'd know just how rich a life can be)

and there are those moments when I want to sashay
and sway down a lazy street with my femininity displayed for all the world to see
my hips speaking of the love my insides hold
the futures they know
and I'd fling the doubts aside, the raised eyebrows would start to dance
along with the rhythm bouncing through my veins

And the sun would shine on through, shine right on through.

as deep calls unto deep

2011-06-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

We Have Been Called

We have been called

naive

as if it were
a dirty word

We have been called

innocent

as though with shame
our cheeks should burn

We visited with

the careful idols

of cynicism

to learn to sneer

and pant and walk

so as not to feel the scales

of judgement rub wrongly

But we say

some things must

remain simple

some things must remain

untouched

and pure

lest we all forget

the legacy which begot us

the health of our origins

the poetry of our fundamental selves

And so

it is to

the longing hearts we sing

rise! spread

your wings!

Let no hand

nor ill will

keep you.

-Jewel

I love you this much (andalittlebit more)

2011-06-25T20:50:00.000-07:00

Timberbeest and Howdy, be comforted with the familiar call of your fellow sister, LoneStar. You are loved, protected, brave, visionaries who change the world with every breath you take in it.

I loves yous..... :)

2011-06-20T18:35:00.000-07:00

Had a hash-out with God today.
His silence spoke volumes.

2011-06-19T16:55:00.000-07:00

There is a needy need so great in me that it makes me ache.
It craves and groans and won't let off,
and the worst part is that there's most of me inside that thinks it knows what this needy need needs to grow
less and disappear.
But I can't muster up the whatever-it-is to latch onto the whatchmacallit and here we are,
here we are...
floating inches from each other on a vast lake of
world and noise and motion and nothing.

And maybe my motionlessness is due to a secret worry that maybe the solution isn't the one I think is there. Maybe it won't be enough to go for it.
And in the meantime, the neediness is there to remind me
that there's better stuff to be had
and bolder ways to live.

...I don't know.

2011-06-17T23:57:00.000-07:00

I really just want to go to see what Boulder is doing tomorrow. I don't want deep conversations about mountains, or life. I don't want to get in touch with my inner groovy self. I just want to look, be there, be alone or with someone, and get out of Arvada, the not-reason for moving to CO.

Plus, I had a dream last night about pirahnas the size of my family's pomeranian Pedro last night, trying to jump into our homemade boat. We were vacationing on the Amazon. I think I can fairly blame it on Michael Thellman, a comrade and my not-so-secret Starbucks dealer, and his tales of that place earlier yesterday afternoon. No more pirahnas, not tonight.

2011-06-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

Just finished off a 14oz "party bag" of M&Ms that I ripped open at lunch today. Quite frankly, I'm surprised that not only have I not exploded, but I don't even feel that pregnant foodie feeling. I could totally get up off the couch and do jumping jacks or something...but ehhh no thanks. Don't tempt fate, that is someone else's motto that I'm borrowing for the moment.

Can you believe that not only has humanity evolved over the ages and increased in brainpower until we're basically trying to run the planet (minus the thick swampy unsearchable jungles and rigid lifeless tundras and baking scorching heated ovens in the desert...although they've been poked and prodded by our collective curiosity), but now we're passing down knowledge that isn't collectively stored as a species in written and oral histories?!? You can learn almost anything about anything that anyone has discovered or realized or lived through and learned from just by reading. Or conversing. It just blew my mind tonight when I went running (that was about 2/3 of my way through those yummy M&Ms). You can identify with someone who has grown up on the other side of the planet, just by communicating with them. We are so adaptable we can live almost anywhere, given the slightest foothold. Even if we didn't grow up in the area. Unless we're talking Everest...Sherpas apparently have a head-start on us lower-altitude kids. (I've learned SO much from my dad's book "Surviving the Extremes"...you should pick it up sometime.)
Seriously, not to toot our horns, but we are a pretty remarkable species.

It almost makes me want to write a poem or something.
But I won't. Because it would be extremely corny.
But if you come up with a haiku or whatever and feel like posting, you have a FREE spot here on this site!! Yes, you do! Don't be shy!
K...now that my caffeine level is at like a thousand, I'm gonna go shower and maybe make more sense on the other side. Much love.

2011-06-06T15:16:00.000-07:00

I miss my sister.

I miss the way that the words she says
string themselves together
beautiful pearls of wisdom coming from a woman years beyond her age
and
just like that
and the world and all within it is possible again.

I miss the way that she only laughs if things are really funny.
(It's somewhere deep in her gut)
Because then you know that she really loves what you said
and isn't just taking pity on you.
(Although she does have a pity laugh, she rarely uses it at all)

I miss her strength. The way she marches out of step and others fall into
their places beside her
knowing she will only lead due south, where life is warm and welcomes you in with freckly arms.

I miss her listening face when she reads my soul, her concerned face on the days I cry, her rapt face for when she's spied a good idea in the distance and can't wait to hunt it down capture it, her crinkly-eyed joy face when the car window's down. I miss the way she really cares, I mean truly cares, how others are doing. You don't get that a lot, anywhere.

I miss her small joys in everyday living.

I miss how her presence means anything is possible and life is an adventure, not a threat. How living on minimum wage with a college degree isn't a shameful secret but a shout-out-loud-and-beat-your-breast exhuberant reward. How she can all at once make elaborate plans and lists and do extensive research for years, but she's flexible enough to drop it all if something better comes her way.

I miss Kate's ability to try anything she sets her mind to...her life is an inspiration from A-Z. She can do anything she wants to try, and she'll go everywhere she hasn't been before
(
this I know
)

I miss her
knock-down
get-real
out-in-the-open
questions that
make me dig deep and get
back on track.
She's only truly frustrated when someone loses faith in how life was supposed to be
and she's a fighter for that.

I love how she smells like smoky pine and seashore when I meet her again
and how she named her pup the name it was given

and how she can be so independant
but not forget
.

I miss her mermaid hair
her bare feet
her no-nonsense
get-over-here-for-a-real-hug
love.

I miss her.

Go forth, and achieve!

2011-06-06T14:46:00.000-07:00

It's tough to remember sometimes that jobs aren't any different from any other area of life. As in, you don't just pick one because it's there (well, you shouldn't, anyway)...you are intentional and motivated and have gravitated toward this particular job which has captured your fancy in some small way. For instance, sometimes I have to step back and put my jobhunting into perspective: if this job was a man, would I go for him? Because I'll admit it, I can be pretty picky about men...unless I'm trapped in the wilderness with a few okay ones for long periods of time and forget what the guys in the outside world are like.

But that's beside the point.

Not to sound snobby (job-snobbing is a luxury I really can't afford--literally haha!-right now) but really, when I look at a potential future workplace, I have to ask the hard question of, am I settling? Trust me, I've been around the money-chasers in all of my former (and fun) jobs before, and you start showing wrinkles at around age 27. They sigh a lot, and it gets old.

And yes, I am a bit of a romantic, so maybe this is excessive, but I have to tell you...whether man or workplace, I personally have never been physically able to stick with something that bores me or leaves me wanting. I actually get stomachaches, and feel claustrophobic, like the future is stretching out before my eyes and it's kind of...boring. And it is better to not start something at all with a dead-ender, than to be the flighty, claustrophobia-ridden downer.

Also, I have to watch for abusive behavioral tendancies. This mostly concerns work, as I've never put up with such bull from a guy (for long, anyway). So why have I let my workplace bully me into submission at times?? I've taken a lot of crap over time, and I think it's time to end the vicious cycle. Like I said, if I would never let a person walk all over me, why should I allow myself to be an employer's doormat? Especially with a degree, dangit. Seriously...whatever the economy says, it's still worth something.

And I have to watch the woe-is-me attitude as well. Girls (and guys) who play the sad-faced single card aren't worth the time, because if you really want something, you'll find it. Same with jobs...I can't blame the timing, lack of resources (untrue anyway), and especially I can't play the "what-if" game with myself and my resume. Because you know what? This girl is worth hiring! I am valuable to you! (Whoever you are). And the sexiest thing to guys, from what I've remotely observed in other people of course, is a woman who has something solid to offer in the relationship, a mutual partnership that teaches everyone something new and encourages growth. So I'm not going to play the needy shameless employee option...it's just not desirable. (Nor is cockiness and God knows I don't have enough on my resume to worry about that yet.) So a lovely note of encouragement to all you job-seekers and employment-wishers out there: there is hope! The economy will not slow you down if you go where you know you are wanted (even if they don't know it yet), and you have valuable insights, experience, and skills to offer. So, as my mom always tells her classes before they leave,

"Go forth, and achieve!"

My skin is leaking somelight

2011-06-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

I hurt a man once.

I hurt him so deeply that I could hear his ribs cracking and the flood in that room and the anti-words I only knew not to think for days inside of my head. Just at the wrong times the whole deal would flash through my thoughts. And I never thought I could break someone that badly, without even meaning to, you know. Without any malicious intent, even. Never, ever towards him.

I don't know. Sometimes I get little glimpses into what we have in our hands, just how our words are capable of either creation or destruction, and it makes me give an involuntary shiver inside--I admit it.

2011-05-19T16:33:00.000-07:00

Searching for a new job is like trying on bras.

I always end up feeling insufficient and squeezed.

Africa taught me

2011-05-14T18:43:00.001-07:00

There is a weighted Gift in this world.

There is a grief in the world that cannot hold all of the rocking moans and shrill death rattle cries that pierce the night sky, a heaviness I have felt in the very air, where I melted and tried to hold up the ceiling with pure prayer and heaving whispered tongues...because it felt like it would come crashing down on the bent necks in the tiny straw hut where she lay.

There is a sunrise for every darkness, new light piercing the decay of time, and it is willed into being by those who live in it, toil in it, sweat and labor in it.

(Where there was weeping, there will be dancing.)

Life must be spoken out, it must be breathed into the moist earth and heaved up into the sky with the rejoicing of what can't be seen. Life is written within the intricate steps of growth and weaving whirling patterns of celebration. Your hands find those of the woman or man next to you, and you are forced to look upon the raw physical tangible bodies around you and, in the shadows of firelight, under the unfamiliar night skies, you make this moment

every moment

the hurt, the pain

the victory and the relief from the burning of the sun

the new child and the grandmother who carries her while dancing by you

(every moment)

yours...

real.

2011-03-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

"you were made to be outrageous. you were made to do outrageous things. this is the year of your rising." -graham cooke

I'm leaving for africa in about 3 hours....whaaaaat. So puuuumped, so unprepped for such an alien experience--africa isn't like any other continent i've visited...i have no reference for this strange land. i keep alternating between wondering if 30 pounds of luggage in a backpack is enough for 7 weeks, and wondering at how some women only have 2 or 3 dresses to live in there. people always say i can't wait, i can't wait, so ready...and i'm not ready and i know that it will be over too soon, so let it come as slowly and deliciously as it may. :) i'm just going to let God do his thing, because i always overthink things, and that's never the answer. he's always got enough to go around, and i know it's the start of a wonderful summer. God bless y'all....i'll try to write more when i can, if i can. see you in afffriiiiicaaaaaaaa!

2011-03-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

A girl changed the world.

A girl like us changed the world, by

going.

I heard a story today that shook me to the core, and I have to write it here or it will explode out of my fingers and lungs and hair in all directions and on all people (even though secretly it still might).

Once upon a time, shortly before the War, a girl very much like you and me, 18 years old and fresh out of YWAM, heard Afghanistan, go go go. So she went to Afghanistan, by herself and all her 18 years of experience.

She didn't wear the burkha, she wondered what to do in this city she was in, what's on your mind, God? What's in your head?

and in a very characteristic manner, God smiled and told her, hey, get yourself a bicycle and ride it. Just anywhere, around. Just

do

it.

So she thought, yeah, weird, but not so bad! And bought a bike, and rode it around anywhere she went and loved the wind in her uncovered hair and the way the breeze moving the little hairs on her arms, the refuge from the heat.

And she asked God the next day, what next? What now?? How do you want this to go?

And God smiled and said, how about you go ride that bike of yours again?

So off she went...for weeks. Just riding around, not sure of anything but the wind and the definite joy and voice telling her to ride and fly fly fly.

But the men were getting a little restless with the whole deal...who did that white girl think she was, riding on a bicycle in the middle of broad daylight in front of Allah and everyone, letting her hair fly back?!? I mean, really. She should have some sense.

So it started with mutters,

then jeers

then shouts and fists in the air,

then

when she refused to stop...

the rocks

.

At least 5 came pelting at her head as she flew through the street, all hitting the intended mark, and she flew in a very different way off the bike, in the air, fluttered to the ground

bloody and bruised.
Confused.

When out of nowhere, like a flock of birds appeared the women

coming out of the spaces in between

and carried her in their arms to safty.

When they set her down, they removed their burkhas, weeping...

WEEPING.

She didn't really understand, and asked them why they wept.

"We didn't know what real freedom truly looked like until, one day we saw you

flying through the streets

on a bicycle, with

the wind blowing through your hair.

You've brought new life, and new hope. Thank you."

A girl who went

on a bicycle...

It's that simple.

Summer

2011-03-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

If love were a season, it would be a warm one. Just enough so that you would itch to stick your tired toes in the chilly Frio River.

Love is a picture.

(We had a sudden burst of warmth today, and it made me summersick...tubing in Tejas with Amber-girls this past summer was beautiful.)

night before the day

2011-02-18T22:52:00.000-08:00

"and it came to me in a moment...the homeless man wasn't really homeless. [In God's eyes] He is a prince." -Darren Wilson

part of me wonders
if we really do believe we're made of the same stuff as these who are waiting
for something better something new
in the middle of the dirty sky-torn streets
yelling out their pain their seperation from the way
(who do we think they are questions doubt)
who do we think we are demands fear
rushing in with all of our middle-class wisdom and little wear
little little
but here we go
(choose love He said)
choose Life (he said)
here we go, ready (or not no just ready)

What TIME is it??...

2011-02-14T19:56:00.000-08:00

"There's nothing more annoying than looking up and realizing that your husband is wearing your pants." -Keeley Lange

This Valentines Day was a phenomenal success in the history of Valentines. No one broke up, no one o-d'd on candy, and there were a plethora of valentines given and gotten from my friends here at YWAM. All from and to girls, because I think we just thought it was a bigger deal than the guys, psh. Also, thanks to a late-night epiphany the night before, most of the girls got together and we created giant heart valentines for all 6 of the guys in the Compassion DTS...and then all wrote a word (or phrase) to describe each of them on the valentines. Then I stuck them on the wall outside their room when they were all asleep (which gave me a flashback to being in summer camp and pranking ppl, but this was a lot better b/c they weren't gonna shaving cream us in return.) It was sneaky, it was fun, and I'm relatively sure they noticed them plastered on their wall this morning. (Although it took approx. 5 trips back and forth before they stopped and realized what they were.)

Also, the day before, a church dropped off all the bake sale goods they hadn't sold (and this is a huge church) for valentines day, and DANG. It was something out of a dream.

SO, in honor of this beautiful, love-filled day, Team Girl Squad is here to take you back in time to your jr, high days of life and love. Go git em, girls!
(you absolutely must watch this unless you have lost your arms and in that case, I don't know how you got to my blog, unless you punched the keyboard with your...nose. Erm.)

http://homestarrunner.com/tgs12.html

Feel warm and fuzzy, and loved.

2011-02-05T22:09:00.001-08:00

"What would you try if you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you wouldn't fail?"

-anonymous quote on some trinket in a store in Boulder

(Hi it's nice to meet you my name is)

2011-02-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

It happens all the time.

I meet people who already know me.

Recognition of a long-lost cousin
(with an apologetic photo taken to prove to their relative that, yes, indeed, she has-I have-been found),
or that girl who served them steak at that other steakhouse
(while I was serving them steak at this steakhouse...how that works I have no idea),
or a
troubling resemblance to an old best friend who caused that civil war because of the straightener that never got returned, or
the girl
that was at that party that they meant to talk to but never got around to taking the plunge...
an ex-girlfriend from a distant state (they're still good friends he assures me) or simply
a person
(you look so familiar...)
whose name
(I swear I've seen you somewhere)
has been lost in the sea of
faces
(you look just like just like my past)
tracked through life.

Let me paint a new picture
let me show you that
we are all alike
in our borrowed glory, our
reflected sunlight
but
you haven't met me yet.

(Hi it's nice to meet you my name is)

A picture says some pretty fun words

2011-01-31T18:09:00.000-08:00

Hi y'all! So I promised you regular updates since moving up here to CO, and I have been lousy at delivering. BUT, here's a peek into the last few weeks here, and the beauty that I see all around! Enjoy!!

My soul sisters (which one is biological, hmm??) came up this past weekend just for my birthday. That's right...two women endured hours of flourescent lighting, bad food, and uncomfortable silences sitting next to total strangers just to say Happy Birthday in person. That is love, y'all. This weekend was better than words can express...I mean, c'mon, you can tell by the picture.

This is a part of our Compassion DTS class! We decided to go explore the breathtaking scenery on the first weekend of coming here, and the weather was perfect. (L-R: Amanda, Kate, Alyssa, Maddie, Stacey, Allison, Erika, Megan, Jacob (the director), Javier, Drew, and then Amy and Sarah)...we climbed up Tabletop Mtn, it took maybe 30 min. Good thing, since the altitude was taking a toll...

This is one of my roomies...Tory. Her hair is the envy of the planet, and specifically the girls in our room. People come by and stroke her head simply because her hair is so luscious. I love it. (She never combs it out like this though...it was just for the camera one late night when we raided the kitchen and were up too late. You know...girls.)

The first week here at YWAM, we all went ice-skating in downtown Denver. It was terrifying, so I wore suspenders to give me extra courage. These gorgeous sweethearts on either side of me (mostly to hold me up) are some of my roomates!! From L-R: Sam (Kansas), Tory (Pittsburgh), and Moriah (NY). It was really cold, and really fun! And I only fell once. *whew*

Anyway, to be totally honest, these past few weeks have been a spiritual overhaul. I've gone from passionately excited about the future to dissolving in tears during one of our past speaker's many "visual aids" which emphasized God's Father heart in very heart-wrenching ways, to laughing with God, and everything in between. It's incredible to hear about all of the different ministry opportunities out there, and I just wish there were more hours in a day to talk to people about what they do and how they do it.

Just to give you an idea of the schedule here, every week we have daily quiet times in the morning to be alone with God, we will have an outreach (usually revolving around downtown Denver), in which we've just walked prayed and talked to people who anyone's felt led to talk to/pray over...lots of homelessness means lots of conversations. Also, there's a lot of emphasis on worship, and we do it almost every morning. We have a lot of sessions, with subjects that change weekly. So far, we've explored the Fear of the Lord with Mark Davies (my favorite week as of now), The Father Heart of God with Jeff Pratt (that made me cry every day, but kind of in a good way), and the Character of God with Pastor Blake this past week. We have intercessory prayer daily for a people group or country, which is more and more showing me the real power of prayer, especially in corporate settings. Also, no new word on the Mozambique mission trip yet, but it is definitely happening and I put down my first payment this past Thursday. No backing out now!! If you want to check out the ministry we will be working with, the link is here:

http://www.irismin.org/stop-for-the-one

I know I've said it before, but I am constantly refreshed to be around people who love the Lord and are passionate to get their hands dirty in the mission field. These people want to spread love and stop oppression, and I can already tell the world is going to change from the love that will pour out of here. In our last session, Pastor Blake called us world-changers and kingdom-shapers, and as corny as it sounds here, it's the truth for every person in Christ's heart. So believe it today. :)

I have some prayer requests (thanks for sticking with me so far!) that include...

*courage for outreach times...I'm shy about just walking up and talking to people, but I need to suck it up and get my heart in the right place so I can feel the Spirit's promptings. I think a lot of people here fit that category, so it wouldn't hurt to just pray for all of us in that area.

*my roomie Abby has battled a brain tumor this past year, and just got an MRI this past week and the results. So please pray for miracles, and that the fluid in her brain would disappear so that she wouldn't have complications. She's really brave about the whole thing.

*safe travel this week, since snow is coming dowwwnnnn like crazy!

*for guidance for our speaker this week, that the Holy Spirit would lead...his name is Don Stephens and it's about Kingdom Worldview.

*finances for everyone, especially Kylie from S. Africa...she's just nervous. And Casey, and Anna.

I pray blessings over all y'all, and am so thankful to have you in my life. Thanks for being there for me, and if you have any prayers, please please let me know! Much love...

p.s. I have now officially fixed a toilet by myself from working on the maintenance crew, and it is shameful how proud I was. But there you go.

2011-01-26T17:24:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize my face. I don't know what's different about it, but something's off. And no matter
how much mascara I furiously brush on,
how many times I reshape my eyebrows,
how often I try on my smile,
it doesn't come
and
I think it's somehow something deeper behind my face
that needs to come back.

2011-01-19T19:59:00.000-08:00

This is not a bedtime story,
this is where who we are.

Somewhere on the other side of the globe
a girl-woman tried to give birth to a stranger-husband's force but
her pelvis was too small
too new
so baby died and
she was unconscious by the time they carried her to the hospital but
by then
her pelvic tissues had been depleted of oxygen from
baby's head
pressing against them for so long so long
she birthed her downfall
and she couldn't walk without shame
(she couldn't walk at all)

and her parents and husband loved her
but
but, but, but...
they couldn't stand the smell, the air around her was full of that smell from her shame
and
her husband left her and
her parents had to move her
to a hut on the edge of their villiage, and
the others removed the door
(so the hyenas would be able to devour her body and what was left of her soul)

but
she fought wildly, sitting
up and only her
and a sharp stick
only her
screamed, used her voice which nobody heard
to chase back darkness
then
in morning light
she dragged herself
far far far far far far far far away
to the door of a man who still believed there was a God
(so close, so close so dead)

and he saw her
and through seeing her revived
her eyes and she was almost (not even close to) whole
in hushed whispers, clean rags, someone else's old bed
still torn
still dirty
still torn through
with the others

all the others
and she wanted to die
the light to go out
so tired
so tired
but no no no no no no no must be must see
must do
so she stayed
she stayed through hard through dark through not enough and
thoughts
and they fought back (all for her all for her) the night with the
sharp stick
which pierced all the way into the sky
light through, into her all of her
made new
all new

And here are we
we are here
we are
what
why
?

Pecan Pie

2011-01-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

As I walk along and stumble

trains rumble in my head

As I breathe along and grumble,

I think about you instead.

And a piece of the pecan pie

and you, that's all I want.

Just a piece of pecan pie

and all I want is you.

Sometimes I get so hungry

I think about pie all day

Just a little whipped cream

and honey, I'm on my way!

And a piece of the pecan pie,

and you that's all I want.

Just a piece of pecan pie

and all I want is you.

Now don't you call me key lime,

you're the apple of my eye.

And don't you know I'll be fine

whenever you're by my side

With a piece of pecan pie

and you that's all I want

Just a piece of pecan pie

and all I want is you...

-Wilco

in the beginning

2011-01-08T11:15:00.000-08:00

"You want it? Come and get it." -God

The mountains here are making me hungry.

I have now officially been in the beautifully overwhelming city of Denver, CO (with Youth With a Mission) for a week now, and it has given me a ravenous appetite. And an insatiable urge to run and look around, and breathe a lot more. (No mouth-breathing, no worries :)

We're still getting to know each other, in that awkwardly polite, toe-tipping kind of way...but since that isn't either of our scenes, I'm pretty sure we'll figure that out soon and just flat-out start dancing to a hip hop tune, occasionally stepping on each other's feet and laughing too loud.

I'm waking up every chilly morning, blinking into new sunlight, and surrounded by 7 other girls in my room. No divas here--they love sleeping in. They share their Milk Dud stashes with reckless abandon. I think it couldn't be better, and I'm probably right this time.

There are so many stories already, it's hard to find a starting-place.

For starters, I stopped in CO Springs the night before Denver, and having randomly called up a friend's married friends, joined them for a home-cooked, very deliciously vegan meal (complete with scrumptious rasberry cobbler made in a cast-iron skillet...oh word). The evening was complete with a cute toddler girl and big, shaggy dog named Magnolia (Maggie for short, but who would want to shorten that?). They gave me the inside scoop on YWAM, all encouraging, and made a complete stranger feel right at home, snarfing their cobbler and everything. And, to top it off, Rachel (the wife) lent me her polaroid camera just because I complimented it! Talk about hospitality and then some...praises, praises.

So anyway, it's been a get-to-know-you kind of week, lots of smiles and different countries to remember, stories that need telling still. I feel like my roomies and I are finally settling in, getting good n sassy, and it blows me away how much they want to be here, how much they're tuning in to what God is wanting to get rid of in their lives, how much He's restoring. A lot of them are younger than me, but so mature in their faith. In other words, they mean business...want to get their hands dirty to really get clean. I have utmost respect for them and have a lot to learn.

I've already gotten some wake-up calls, and am still trying to wake myself up in other areas--I love how much time is dedicated to worship and being alone with the Lord...but it's hard to vamp into different modes depending on what the time on the schedule says, you know? So I'm still adjusting, but it's a good place. I don't mind so much being told where to be and go, because it's relaxed most of the time, and heck, how often after high school in life do you really have such a timed schedule anyway?
(haha, I said the same thing about bunk beds but it looks like those are still around...I'm on a bottom bunk by the window if you're interested)

Anyway, it's been pretty quiet...there are geese outside and I see them flying every afternoon, to who knows where, only to come back to the pond nearby. I'm in a small group of 4 girls now, and they are chill and we click. It's gonna be a good semester of life, as Tamura would say :)

I miss everyone the way that you always miss a piece of you that went somewhere else for awhile. But even though I was panicking on the first day about whether or not I had made the right decision (yes, major cold feet), I am not regretting it at all now. It's good to have this time, and I know it's been a gift. So I'll continue unwrapping it and being happily surprised at the thoughtfulness inside...

much, much love.

2011-01-06T17:55:00.000-08:00

Penitant-"Thank you, Lord, for finding me in the depths of my nakedness and loving me anyway."

God-"What are you talking about? You look great naked."

Nightmares.

2011-01-02T22:10:00.000-08:00

Bridal-plasty. That's what I've been watching, btw, in my hotel room, pretty transfixed. These women, for those who've never heard of it, all want to be "the perfect bride" with the perfect wedding. So they fight through a series of challenges for the prize (a round of plastic surgury of your choice) each session, up until the end, where I'm guessing, amidst bandaged bruised noses and stapled stomaches, they turn on each other for the final prize: an ultimate wedding.

It's like a train wreck, you can't tear your eyes away. And why do most of them seem to have the same problem spot: their noses?!?

I really don't understand how or why they can take this seriously. I mean, they really do take it seriously.

2011-01-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's the little things that seperate
the good from the great.
-bob schneider

"Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy...Remember Cedric Diggory." -Dumbledore

I don't know if I'd be mature enough to admit this to any of the people who are closest to my soul, out loud, so I'm going to start here. In 2D, black and white. Simple.

There's this alter ego in me, and she's dangerous. I mean, the woman every other woman wants to slap hard, the one that respectable people avoid eye contact with when she walks by. Better yet, they avoid her local spots altogether. She prances and preens, and sleeps with married men when she gets bored (just for the sake of gaining a bigger ego, so she can lay it at the altar of her vanity). She never calls back, feels completely detached from her body, and cares about herself so much as to elevate her needs above those of the world.

Sometimes, on the heavy days (aka the ones where just navigating with a GPS is almost too much and the only places to stop and eat never have fresh fruit, only fried fritters. Seriously? Fritters?!? Where'd my soul go???), the despairing days, I think she is me. All of me, and the whole wall between that me and the world is a thin piece of pearl-colored tissue paper that is a strong breath away from tearing apart, releasing chaos and doubt and a confirmation that everything the world knew about me was right. It just had to wait a little while longer to see it happen in me than in some people.

But then I suddenly hear another voice, one that tells me that presenting myself as a "living sacrifice" involves daily choices, hard ones. It struck me how many decisions take place in day-to-day living, and how conscious and alert I have to be in order not to let something slide. And yes, adding a Harry Potter quote is kind of cheesy, but I think about that all the time. And how every decision is in itself a small test, and if you choose out of goodness and kindness and self-control and faithfulness and joy and truth, I imagine that it causes this miniature explosion within your heart, or something, and a little of the good residue from that explosion sticks to your insides, and stays there. And then the next time a similar situation arises, it's like having a vaccine within you, that makes it easier to welcome in the good decision, and harder to go along with the stupid one (which for the record in my mind also explodes, but every time it explodes within you it rips something out of you, leaving a small hole in its wake).

And after thinking about it I realize that every time I don't choose the easy, enticing whatever-it-is, that in itself means I am not the alter-me. We are forever seperated by a chasm of choices over the years, and even if I start to build a bridge over to her, one right decision is all it takes to burn it down. And God knows how much everyone can handle, and I know that everything set before me is His strengthening process...He's not trying to lure me into something bad, but molding situations into a potential character/spiritual muscle-building pattern. So that when the really really huge situations come up, I can (hopefully) lift them out of the way, no problem.

Anyway, I don't know about any answers, or whether this came out the way it was supposed to, but it came out. So it's a start. And since Denver is tomorrow morning, and finally meeting my YWAM people, I should hit the hay. Take care...

2010-12-30T15:59:00.000-08:00

Superman, why are you crying?
Why won't the tears stop flowing down your chiseled features?
Why won't the world stop spinning and just let you be?
You don't have to hold it all on your shoulders
Your strength and might are much to be sure but
What this world really needs is to accept the scars
To see you this way and stay, still believing
That your strength is needed
Because it is the secret weapon
The hidden truth
Even when you lose, don't back out now.
A perfect you won't be enough
So let it be, and know you'll be
Enough for me.

2010-12-30T15:50:00.000-08:00

Fire-breather
I see a Gypsy Queen
Somewhere in-between
my old life and the way
it always waited for me
History treed in that old swing
I sing of nations, babes, rave
about everything right and cave
into old pressures, struggling high
to maintain
the race, in pain but not out
for the count
Pouncing on sunlight
while night is approaching
Slowly roving eyes spy my little hide
But not going quietly this time,
for I've just
learned
to fly.

2010-12-30T15:28:00.000-08:00

"Stop trying to fall in love!

Can't you see I'm trying to get you out of this town?"

-God (to Molly)

2010-12-30T15:02:00.000-08:00

(My name was Lone Star)

The naivete is almost gone-in a good way.

As we walk, I throw my head back when I laugh...loud enough to scare the nearby cat skulking in the alleyway into existence.

You can't frighten reality, but you can surprise it sometimes.

As we continued making our way down a wintery street, you told me that in the event of an avalanche, you should try and swim on top of it, doing the butterfly or the breast-stroke, to swim off to one side of it, to safety. Packed snow is so solid, but for those few, precious moments it becomes liquid lightning, something alive, deadly, and malleable. And you're there. Floating. Arms arcing up, over, cupping life, breathing out, breathing in, again.
And repeat.
And even if you sink, you said, just make sure you cross your arms over your chest, cupping an airhole around your face.

(I was part Uzahmati warrior tribe clanswoman)

And, encased in a dense wall of white, remember to breathe. Because you do, in fact, still have air.
Always remember to breathe.

(He looked worried the entire evening; am I too different? Has something he remembered died in my face? Because instead I feel renewed, refreshed, ready to rush and greet worlds with words and questions and solemn sweet silences. I feel more me than I've ever felt before.)

Even buried there, breathing, know there is a way up, you said. But you may not remember right away which was up is. How do you find your way back to the sun?

I look up from my feet, waiting. The answer is surprising, earthy, blunt:

You spit.

(I squint, is this a joke? Eyebrow cocked and loaded, waiting.)

You spit. The saliva will go down, towards gravity, the earth. You go away from whichever direction it goes. Go up. Even if it feels like down. Remember, gravity doesn't lie.

Always go up.

(I am a process, I am slowly dying and rebuilding and waiting and ready.)

2010-12-27T19:48:00.000-08:00

5 more days to go.

I've got 3 duffels full of the clothes I own sitting patiently in my car, along with the backpacker's pack (on loan from my dad) and all my camping equipment. Tomorrow I'm moving in the books/DVDs/laundry stuffs, and then it'll just be down to photographs, a laptop, and myself.

It's hard to process...it always is when you're leaving long-term...and I'm tired but excited. Not so sure about the snow, but we've had our little run-ins this past year, so maybe I know what's what now.

I hope YWAM is real, and good for the soul, and doesn't completely take me by surprise. Unless it's a good surprise.

I'm missing everyone already....

Question

2010-12-18T10:14:00.001-08:00

One of the questions I've most frequently been asked since having slipped into young adulthood, right after the typical what-are-you-doing-with-your-life and do-you-have-a-man-yet, is surprisingly,

Do you drink?

For some reason, this is one of the most awkwardly phrased questions in existence. It's not so much the words themselves, but their arrangement, their obvious big, blunt existence. The speaker, instead of taking his/her cue from the boldness of the question, ends up almost whispering it while glancing sideways for approval, or any kind of reaction. Almost like you'd expect someone to look when they ask you if you're still a virgin. Or they force the question out with some tough facade, like that kid you used to know who would shout out threats from the other end of the playground for no good reason, like they had something to prove.

Part of me wonders, if it's no big deal, if we're just talking about drinking, why all the dancing around and studiously avoided eye contact? C'mon, we're legal here, it's not like it's some huge crime or anything.

Plus, for some reason, it always makes a little part of my soul tired and sad. I don't know why...maybe the deeper insides of me know something I don't, and crippled men acknowledging that they're crippled to each other does nothing to save the world.

So I've started listening when they ask, and have come up with an alternative list of questions that could possibly be trying to elbow their way through the cracks of this one. Keep in mind that I know that most times people just want to know if you like to drink; I just like taking any given opportunity to pry further into things that may or may not even exist. So. The posed question: "Do you drink?" The real question:

1. Are you a party-type of girl that is up for anything? (Usually if you say yes and this is the real question, more candid conversations about stupid stuff involved with parties ensue.)

2.Can I get you drunk and make out with you? (Followed by an offer to take you to a bar someplace.)

3.Do you think I'm a bad person for drinking?

4.Are you happy enough with yourself not to need to drink?

5.Are you a fun person,? Because you seem so quiet. (Most often at new places before you know the people well enough to be comfortable.)

6.Hey I'm a Christian, you're a Christian, are you gonna judge me here?

And who knows, people are always trying to tell you things between the lines, just like we always read between the lines of what other people say. A lot of times these two readings don't match up. And yes, drinking is the avenue a lot of people use to get comfortable with one another if they don't know how to start talking. I understand that. But it's curious to me all the same that a lot of times such an innocent question is treated like a loaded gun.

So yeah, I guess to answer, I like to drink. Not a lot, not most of the time, but when it's there I enjoy it as I like to think it was meant to be enjoyed. Put that in your glass and take a sip...cheers.

for Kate

2010-12-09T11:06:00.000-08:00

my poem for you

would wear sky blue feather boas
\

and swing her feet while sitting at the breakfast table.

she would miss tuesday nights for no reason at all

(except when she was living them)

and crave banana peppers from her neighbor's garden

at 3a.m. on a school night.

she would shout lovely words into the crisp fall air

just to hear them pop and crackle like dry leaves

and would just as soon forget

the ultimate secret to winning a heart

in her haste to tell you about

the door she just came through.

Shaking off

2010-12-06T08:41:00.002-08:00

the guys I don't need (don't like, don't have to please)

the clothes that would just weight down my car

the giggle that sounds like stupid

perfection

2010-12-06T08:41:00.001-08:00

If you don't create

it won't exist.

my new job

2010-12-01T21:21:00.000-08:00

it leaves the very tips of my fingers tender to the touch or the slightest temperature in the water from the faucet as I wash my face...the day's work running out of my palms and turning my sink grey.

such open roads and open doors with wild winter wind whipping past my piled-up curls and every light touch of the driver's brake bringing anticipation, a ready leap into the street

surrounded by rough i can finally understand a little and speak back. but i still can't speak money, the driving-force behind the motivation of almost every coworker I know. The only one...sad sad

2010-12-01T21:16:00.000-08:00

poetry

is like a dirty, ragamuffin mongrel kid
stiffly sweeping through the empty streets
one eye fixed behind her dusty feet
one ear to the breeze
vanishing into shadow at the slightest wish
wildly fleeing from the man in the stiff collar
scratching her betrayer
not feeling
the splinters that litter her lungs
not understanding
the callouses on her big toes.

invitation for 12-11-10

2010-12-01T21:01:00.000-08:00

I am formally inviting you

yes you

foodie conessours and loud belchers and rock climbing snobs and tip-toers and granolas and fastidious little puffed-up divas and all of eden's own

to dance, I mean DANCE loose-limbed, legs numbed, arms thrown, only wide smiles or white man's overbite allowed (occasional lip-pursing admitted) with one rule
...
don't you don't you dare look down on them on me on we, and let's just let our bodies figure out what connects us to the joy we're surrounded with everyday and play with noise and fill our ears our hearts our hands with golden
(non) silence

A lightweight sound

2010-11-26T22:28:00.001-08:00

I want a new word

for the feeling I heard

that can't be slurred

in a forest of verbs

and nouns and clowns and sanitary sounds...

something round and found

under bridges in puddles not muddles

of mutterings stutterings shudderings...

please!

give me that phrase

that plays

with the ears in ways

that make one say

'i'll stay with you'

in vibrant hues

and softly coos

tomorrows truths.

I want a word

for who...

for you.

Wanted(?)

2010-11-15T11:01:00.000-08:00

"In desperation I actually applied to KMart and Target. I'm vasty overqualified for both. Neither one even called me back."
-Pam from The Office

I'll start off straight. I've been leading a cushy life--I'm not used to getting turned down. First when I was 6, shopping with grandma, then as an endearingly nerdy elementary kid getting to skip parts of class with a select group of kids as "self managers" (it took me years to give that title a critical look...) where we would help change the marquee or set out traffic cones or whatever. Then, as a still nerdy (but not endearingly so) adolescent, when my parents were way lenient on the curfew. Then finally, applying for jobs throughout college to earn a little extra.
The dirty truth is, I'm just not used at all to hearing the word, "no."
Which has sadly left me unprepared for the sweeping no's across the board since coming back from AmeriCorps and trying to find a seasonal job to get me until January, when I'm packing up for Colorado. You would be surprised (no, you wouldn't probably) at the number of businesses who aren't interested in hiring and training someone who they will lose in a few months.

BUT hope srpings eternal, and I actually have found several possibilities in the daily scanning of the classifieds...and who knew they could be so diverse??

*I could be making $100-1000 a night! The only necessary qualifications are that I'm female and over 18! A breeze! It said to apply in person at 330 Washington Street...what could go wrong? (haha San Angeloans y'all already know)

*I could be a surrogate mother...it says "the rewards are more than financial." Hah, I bet. A bigger appetite, maybe. And some beautiful mornings in the meantime. I have to be between 21 and 43 years old with a healthy pregnancy history...does that mean I have to actually have a history, and it's healthy? Is never having been pregnant a risk to their investment? I guess I'll scratch that one for now...

*Movie extra! Now we're talking. Standing kind of in the background of a shot with Chris Pine and Kate Hudson, PLUS $150-300 a day? This is almost too good to be true...although I have to call for exact hiring locations, which I think is cheating since it's in the San Angelo classifieds.

*Mystery shoppers! YES. I was always drawn to the allure of being mysterious and doing something for the greater good (albeit of all consumers, not world peace) while getting paid. unless I have to sneakily buy boring stuff, like detergent. Do they pay me back?

*Taxi driver. Hmmm, do I have to be surly or really quiet?? And listen to talk radio or bad music?? This could be a risky move...

*Photo model. Although it says I have to pose nude outdoors for some of the pics, and quite frankly it's a bit too chilly for that now.

The search goes on...and the possibilities are endless. Much love.

Baobabs

2010-11-10T22:48:00.001-08:00

DID YOU KNOW

that baobabs (called other things depending on where you be at) are found in Madagascar, India, Australia and Africa, and DO NOT GROW TREE RINGS??!?? Plus, one of the largest measured was about...get this...

52 FEET

In diameter.

Some people even built a pub in the trunk of one somewhere, I read.

A pub, though? Inside of something as majestic as an enormous, old tree? Something about it seems almost undignified, like when you're supposed to be babysitting your kid nephew and you let your guard down one second and are horrified to discover him peeing on a statue of Rosa Parks in the middle of a crowded square the next.

Something about inexplicably big trees really comforts me, though. It makes life seem more like a fairytale, where people fade into the background for a minute, or suddenly shrink to a miniscule size for no reason at all. Like there is something somehow inexplicable about life. Something that can't be contained, that has to sprout and grab as much sky as the earth will allow.

Baobabs. It even tickles my tongue to say the word...try it.

What can be quite as mysterious, as somber, as inviting as something that has seen hundreds and hundreds of years pass under its branches? What has it seen?? Can I come see as well?

I grew up with the story of The Little Prince, who is a boy from a planet far away. He is simultaniously put off by and frightened of baobabs, because if given the chance to take root and grow, they would literally tear apart whole planets, devouring them whole. Therefore, the thought of baobabs always sparked a moment of trepidation in my chest, an unreasonable amount of panic.

Maybe I'm older and less wise now, but after facing my fear of baobabs full-on, I think I love them for being so intrusive, so in-your-face. For providing a vantage point for imagination, and maybe just for having that childhood fascination of being impossibly huge.

Plus, let's face it, that word is just too much fun to be afraid of anyway.

2010-11-10T22:16:00.000-08:00

I think I've forgotten how to write.

No no no not fishing for pity, or encouragement really...it's just like I've lost the thread of where I was going with it, and maybe that's combined with overthinking this whole blog thing. (One of my poorer characteristics, always overthinking.) It's hard to write when you know that there's the possibility that someone somewhere is gonna get bored and mosey onto your site, and half-bemusedly read your intimate thoughts and feelings and dreams and put a label on it all. Even if I don't really record intimate thoughts and dreams here...I mean it's mostly spur-of-the-moment poems really. Or mushy emotionally-charged rants on freedom or some vague something. Good gravy, I'm even labelling my own blog writing. It's just hard to get the hang of it all back once you've lost it, that's all. Was this pointless? I think I just wrote down pointlessness. GAHHHHHH

On another note, I was leafing through my 2005 senior yearbook, and found pictures of my twin (Tamura Lynnette Turney!) as a little kid in the dedications part, and OH MY WORD Kate and even my Mama said we looked eerily alike! So Tambizzle, we really are twins!!! Proof, hah!

And I finally found the picture of the stalker of my feet from my speech class (eerk), Mr. Michael himself. I wonder if he works in a shoe store now. Or if he's in jail from actually getting ahold of some poor girl's feet. You never know...

Oh, and I was supposed to keep up the story I started, which in retrospect isn't actually a novel (like it's supposed to be according to write-a-novel month or whatever) but it gives a little zest to the book world all the same. Here goes page two...

The potato decided one Tuesday that it wanted to be extraordinary. But it didn't know how.

to be continued...label me however you wish, unseen viewers!!

Turn away if you have a weak stomach.

2010-11-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

Also, I recently finished Pride and Prejudice and Zombies*, and feel that my life will never ever be quite the same. Pick it up sometime if you're ready for the adventure.

*The comforting aspect of zombies, I feel, is that they aren't possible in the natural world. Bodies do decay, and it is impossible for something to feel the need to feed itself when its body cannot process food, as well as plethoras of other reasons, like

zombies are decaying bodies. they rot. so when they're portrayed as "living" as long as they aren't taken out with a clear headshot, (cough "World War Z" cough) this is naturally impossible. If they continue to rot while they exist, sooner or later they completely dissentigrate. So none of this "living underwater for thousands of years" crap.

if tissues are dead, i.e. eye tissue, nasal tissue, then they shouldn't be able to see or smell people. very inconsistent, even though yes the brain somehow still functions, which i guess brings us back around to the only point i really wanted to make (to anyone still reading): zombies can't exist.

take that, crazy scientists somewhere trying to create zombie viruses to take over the world. hah.

...no night lights for me tonight, no ma'am. i'm a free woman now.

Freely given and freely recieved

2010-11-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

"When love is powerless, all it can do is weep."
-Heidi Baker

"The place where God calls you is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."
-Fredrick Bueckner (?)

Ok, there's this precipice. It's just a speck in the distance, then what seems like only 5 seconds later it has zoomed into full dramatic view, and you and me, we're so close to the edge that I can kick a pebble over the edge with an effortless nudge of my shoe.

We hear it bounce once, wait three seconds...twice, then nothing.

There is this unspoken urgency between us, a need for immediate action. Almost as if the world or some nameless horde is looming in from behind, and we have precious breaths before we have to make the decision

to leap

or to be engulfed.

Or maybe the chasm suddenly turns into a train, being watched by us above, moving quickly with its brightly colored boxcars chugging past our feet, oblivious to the same agonizing decision being made from above...

seconds count.

Do we leap?

What's really out there??

And the maddening question at hand: what happens if we stay? The threat doesn't seem deadly, but maybe it doesn't have to be an immediate death...maybe even just the ultimate decision to stay behind will fill our lungs innocently, quietly, soundlessly...like carbon monoxide. Until hours (or days or weeks or years) later, when it consumes our world, snuffing us out without a second thought in that cold, mechanical way.

Or maybe it will watch us with innocent eyes, shrug its shoulders, slouch away.

All I know is something's coming, I don't know when, and there are going to have to be quick hard choices. And either way it won't seem too dangerous, but I want to know before the edge comes, or that final whistle blows, which path is the one to truer life. And then, to have the courage to pray and cling to the answer.

2010-11-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there is nothing in the world I hate more than money.

I think part of it is that it is so unflinching, so steely in its resolve to make you use it for everything in your life that is handled by someone else. I wouldn't mind bartering nearly as much.

We've got to move our stuff (Kate and I) back from Flagstaff, and it's gonna suck. Not all of it, but part of it definitely will be stupid. But the thing that irritates me the most is how ridiculously expensive it is to get something from one place to the other. And how necessary the moving process is in life, to moving forward (har har). Whatever, I've got a month to get ready for that epic trip. For now, I'll just cross my fingers that the UPS store is floored with my usefulness and begs me to come on (hopefully next week?). Anyway, that's all for now.

2010-11-05T15:16:00.001-07:00

Oops, I forgot I was supposed to start a novel in honor of write a novel in 31 days (or something) soooo here we go! (Illustrations to come later)

page 1:

There is a potato somewhere whose name is not important.

hang onto the edge of your seats...page 2 coming soon...

and now, for no reason at all (except that this guy wrote something about write a book month and i couldn't find it but got distracted by all his other wildly funny videos...well most of his videos are wildly funny, some are only mildly funny. Anyway, here's one.)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hnE-YUpV6Gs&feature=channel

I don't know what you're talking about...

2010-11-04T20:56:00.001-07:00

I had a song to write
And I wrote all all night
But I couldn't seem to find
Any way to make it rhyme.

So I took a detour
Got up off off that floor
unlocked a brand new door
And let the sight hit my core.

Cause who needs a song
Just to have a song
To hum in their head
When things are wrong
and someone's dead?
It's all done and gone
And who really needs that song.
Anyway

I saw a dog walking
It looked at me while kinda stalk stalking
A lil ol bird, kinda small
Doing nothing at all but
snackin on a bug
What a thug thug thing to do,
you know I should've been blue, but really

Who needs a song?
Cause we all get along
And no one loves an old tune
That gets stuck in a loop
In your brain when it rains
And you just want to chain
That song so it will stay
out of range. Okay?

So who needs a song, anyway?

Doors

2010-10-28T19:51:00.000-07:00

Door to the Sun

Mark's wedding! Sept. 19, 2010

Out there

Last day in the Turquise house...Ryan and Kate and a plate.

Otherside

2010-10-18T19:31:00.000-07:00

Flying around a corner at roughly the speed of a startled cow, I grabbed the brakes in a sheer moment of panic...and the bike went down right with me. Laying there with a 250-300 pound bike pinning my ankle down (although not painfully), I was surprised at how quiet everything became. The other bikes shut down, and although we were next to a highway, there was no sound of passing trucks, no shouting, no panic, nothing. Just still air on a beautiful clear morning, me, the pavement, and the Suzuki 250. Waiting.

After 30 seconds or so (during which I humoredly wondered if I was supposed to lift the bike off of my ankle by myself, if this was my "test of strength" or something), Pete the instructor appeared in front of me, and, after lifting the bike off like it was a baby giraffe, kneeled in front of me. Waiting.

So I babblingly told him it's just a scratch, no I can move my ankle, no I'll clean up later, and watched him slowly nod and offer a hand up. (No tears, crying in front of a Vietnam vet just seemed stupid at the time, and I didn't feel like crying anyway)

And then he told me to get back on, and I love that.

The rest of the day, it was nonstop riding until 5pm, and every sunburned minute was wind whipping behind my sunglasses and revving the throttle and deep breaths and trust and feeling wildly fun.

I don't know when I'll get one of my own, but I do know that Kate and I ultimately will have a motorcycle pilgrimage that has been pinky-sworn into existence, and that there are a million new leaves falling every day, and it feels good to know that in some small measure, we're on our way already.

2010-10-15T21:35:00.001-07:00

Motorcycle training course tomorrow morning in Abilene, 8a.m....I've got the first-grader butterflies, and I hope the cool kids there don't think my boots are dorky or something.

Aunt Laura doesn't approve. But just for her peace of mind, I solomnly swear to always wear a helmet.

2010-10-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

I know I've got to go stretch and let go of some control when every time I stare at the computer screen I make old woman lips. You know, the pursed lips that eventually lead to those old lady lines (which are endearing if you're, you know, past the age of 23).

Some lip-smoothing discoveries:

My green tea latte from starbucks is chock-full of protein. Mmmmm.

Chimpanzees are capable of and have been documented making spears to hunt small animals. (WHOOPS, that's a bit frightening b/c then I start imagining what if I was a pygmy walla-walla out there in the forest? there goes the lip-pursing...gonna have to try again.)

My sister and I are ridiculously fashionable with pinned-up hair. It's a little out of control, and certainly we are ready for any party that steps through our front door now. But seeing as it's past 1a.m., and it's San Angelo, Texas, the party-ers are all probably asleep. Hopefully not in a front yard somewhere.

Marfa is in the not-so-distant future--namely, tomorrow!!! As is a Joni Mitchell impersonator, a man with earth-defying abilities to reach sound pitches unknown to the male vocal structure. Apart from Steve Tyler.

Pecans are showering the parents' front lawn, a gift from the heavens and the immenent sign that I'll get to return the favor by offering up the first fruits of my labor--God loves a good pecan pie, right? Why else were pecans invented, anyway?? (By the way, I'd forgotten how intimate it is to feel with your feet along the ground (if your grass has shot up like ours did) for each pecan, then to peel it slowly while trying to remember the rules about which ones will be best--I think the green ones need awhile but that's all I can remember as I scan the yard looking for the remaining vagrants.)

Seeing this same little girl bike home in front of the house every day with her sister/friend (who walks, poor thing) and loving the fact that if she sees me, she waves or says hi. She's fearless and four. Perfect. It also reassures me that I don't look like one of those 'strangers' her parents warned her about. Life is more innocent if you feel more like a neighbor than a suspect.

Mission accomplished. Goodnight.

Odeous Ode to Money

2010-10-08T22:26:00.001-07:00

Oh, money, money.
You devour time, and yet
we cannot eat you.

Your cold, papery skin
is rough against my palm
but that's okay
'cause I've still got some calluses.

It's fair that you act invisible around me,
because it's true:
when I spend you, I thrust you into the hands
of a total stranger
and forget all about you.

How I wish you weren't around long enough
to tempt me!
Only to retreat into the shadows
of corporate nothingness and vague tomorrows.

You are the saving grace of the hungry
and the crippling vice of the fool.
And here, again leaning in the doorway
I hold a candle out in hope
that the light will call you out to remember
what good things you can accomplish.

I hate you, money.
I need you, money.
(No, I only think I need you...)
Can we work something out?

2010-10-08T15:27:00.000-07:00

K, so
1. the last post was kind of harsh, and truthfully I don't know that many guys who regularly eat cheetos. So sorry about that.

2. My blog is really, really ugly right now, but I'm working on it and am not really good at this kind of thing. You could say it's under construction, but without the annoying 'there's nothing else on the page' thing. I like a challenge, though.

2010-10-01T20:38:00.000-07:00

I'm running a 5K tomorrow. The first official run I've ever been in. Like, I have a number to put on my shirt and everything. So official!!!

(Hah, I'm still not sure exactly how far a 5K is...I think it's safe to bet a little over 3 miles? Right??)

It should be fun, it was entirely sporadic, and the kicker cliche: it's for a good cause. (Breast Cancer awareness)

As long as I don't die,
I beat at least one grandma,
and I don't sweat through the shorts,
it will have been a complete success. I'll let you know.

2010-09-25T19:55:00.000-07:00

She longs for peace; it's her revenge.
She's a stark-white pale-horse rider and Hell's just around the bend.

-Carbon Leaf

I see her more & more when I am out on the street...just a glimpse of her shadow rounding the corner, or a glint in a woman's eye when she gets straight to the heart of the matter- "What are you saying here? This world is beautiful and I know I am meant to be cherished in it, as are you." Truths that I scarcely believed could be breathed into existence are suddenly shining from the mirror, from the mouths of the ordinary citizens and that lady on that one show that I never really noticed before...with one thought they bring life back to the air.

I've only begun to realize the moving, inspirational power of the knowledge that somewhere out there, (and right here as well)

someone believes in a fight that can't be ignored for much longer.

And there is so much beauty in the truth about people, about living for one another and being brave enough to search more intimately into the lives of those around us. The truth that we know: there's something much wilder to life that few touch upon because it does require sacrifice and passion and belief in the light overcoming the darkness, no matter how foul and close it is to our lives, overcoming boredom and restlessness and apathy to get closer, just to get even an inch closer to what is real--even if we can't see it from here except in bits and pieces.
Because the light will always overcome the darkness. Always.

When I'm older...

2010-09-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

People sometimes tell me, when I look back I'll see things differently. I'll see a clearer picture, how everything worked together; I'll be able to laugh at things that seem like an insurmountable obstacle right now.

My question is: what if I can imagine what I could see looking back? Without seeming too naive, I'm going to start trying...maybe an older me has a better perspective to offer. So, when I am older

I will rejoice that I was single for so long. It gave me independance, an appreciation for what a relationship costs (secondhand observances), and a chance to realize who I am (will be) on my own.

I'll finally realize I was not fat. And hate that so much time was stolen worrying about something so stupid, and that my mind and the minds of countless others have been poisoned by vicious lies.

I'll will my past self to have spoken out more at awkward social situations, and not let some outright indignities have come to pass without a sound of protest.

I'll sigh in relief at the realization that life is a series of stages, increasingly less awkward post-junior high, becoming more beautiful and real with each passing year.

wordplay :)

2010-09-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

Some terms for groups of animals I found--

An exaltation of larks
An implausability of gnus
A murmuration of starlings
A charm of hummingbirds
A smack of jellyfish
A parliament of owls
A crash of rhinoceros(es)
A shrewdness of apes
& a glory of unicorns

If you're gonna name something, heck yes go all out with it.
Maybe it applies to people groups as well....for instance, I could use words like 'blather of bigwigs' and a 'blink of optomitrists', right? Mmmm, goodness, the possibilities are endless now. Okay, well on to the next adventure...reading a book on comets and dolphin/whale communication by Carl Sagan. How those two fit together I have no idea, except the tie of the glorious mysterious universe and all that. Cheers!

p.s...Baby platypi are 'puggles.' haha, those suckers."

June 25, 2007

Quote of the Summer...

2010-09-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

so i'm with one of my campers at the rock climbing wall the other day, a little tiny bleach blonde soccer-playing cutie named Tayte (yes her nickname at home is Tater Tot...kill me now with cuteness) & i'm checking her helmet to make sure it's not too loose, so i'm asking yes/no questions...

me:'so do you like ice cream?'
(duh, she nods hard)

me: 'how about....onions?'
(she...nods again. ew. she's too young to be liking those things, so ok we'll try again...)

me: 'um...brussel sprouts?'
(another nod...this one's tough. ok, here we go...'

me: how about BOYS???

Tayte (finally speaking): 'Well...I haven't tried those yet!'

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA eat that one up. It's good. much peace and love and stuff from cali..."

July 23, 2008

;)

2010-09-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

Ode To Odd Facebook Relationship Status(es):

I don't need no 'Random Play'.
Don't EVEN bring that mess my way!
(What does that even mean, anyway? Who knows...)

And you can keep your 'Whatever I Can Get'
'cause Hon, I SURE ain't despar-it.
(And even if I was I wouldn't let it show.)

So all you will know about me
Is that I'm female and straight, you see
I won't put just 'friendship' b/c that might be a lie
And I won't put 'dating' b/c I'm not brave enough to try.
And as for a 'relationship'....*sigh.

God has a plan, that's all I know-
So I won't settle--just lie low
And not put anything on 'Looking for' that would stop my flow.

Um....yeah gonna stop there before this gets outta controlllllllll.

Deuces.

3-11-08

The Secret to Girls.... (3-10-08)

2010-09-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

This is simply a response to what I've felt is a common sentiment among many guys. If you've run the gambit of love notes, explanations, rants, poems, etc, in the world of facebook notes (and I've read my fair share of such posts on this thing) then I apologize ahead of time if you already know this and this is just one more facebook note on love and you're just tired of the whole schmeal. You can still back out of this one if you want, there's still time... :) Otherwise, a few thoughts...

Guys. Word has reached my ears (directly and indirectly) that you're slightly frustrated with us. I can understand that--we all have a lot to learn. BUT I've also heard rumors that some guys wish that girls 'didn't play so hard to get' or 'made themselves look more available' or 'always are looking for a knight in shining armor to sweep them off their feet and yanno, I'm no knight in shining armor, and they don't even exist in the first place-girls' expectations are just too high.'

Okay, where to start.

"I wish girls made themselves look more available."

You know what I mean when I say this is stupid and lame. I'll explain just to clarify: Do you want a girl who looks ready to throw herself into your arms at the first 'hello'?
'Cause back where I'm from, we call that,

'Being easy.'

*Ahem.

I'll speak for me because maybe other girls don't agree with me on this, but I loke looking nice, like being fun to hang out with, like to be social and make you feel comfortable, and will go out of my way to make you feel these things. But I will never ever drape myself across your path, try flirting outragiously to get your attention, or pose seductively to catch your eye. And I will never wear a bright green shirt to a stoplight party, or wear any shirt for that matter that screams, 'I'm single! Come make me not single!'

I mean, I don't think people pause to think about exactly what they're asking for when they make statements like that.

If a guy wants to get to know a girl more, instead of waiting for her to "look more available" (whatever that means), he should take a deep breath, gather his nerve, and be intentional about getting to know her. Suck it up and go say hi. Not wait for her to put on that green shirt. 'Cause if she's classy and serious about a real relationship, she may never wear it. And if he's real with himself, what he really wants her to do to 'make herself look more available' is to help him avoid having to get courageous and go ask himself.

As for the knight in shining armor effect: to put it simply, we want to be swept off our feet. We want to be won over. In fact, I've heard that over and over again: from my friends, from their friends, from my own heart. It rings true each time: we don't just appreciate a little romance every now and then, we need it. Our hearts need it so badly, and many girls have had to cover their ears to lessen the intensity of their hearts' pleas when they knew they weren't being romanced the way it was meant to happen. We don't want you to hang around and "just show up"...
We need candlelight.
We need to hear that we're beautiful.
We need those quirky little nots and flowers and surprises and cheesy mixed tapes.

What makes the knight isn't perfect physical prowess or knowing what to say at any given moment: it's having the courage to be there when you would rather be anywhere else. It's about being strong enough inside to have a humble attitude and put others before yourself. It's understanding where you want to go and getting there with the right motives. It's seeing the humor in life and laughing out loud, (right there!) in front of God and everyone. It's being comfortable in your skin and inviting others to be comfortable around you.

It's showing that girl that you want her so much that no one else can take your eyes away. That you won't be gone looking at someone else in a week.

That you weren't obsessed with someone else the week before.

Showing her that you are captured by her heart and only hers. Because honestly, guys, that doesn't happen a lot, and girls are far more used to just being the next in line. And how sad is that.

The human heart was not made to be trifled with, but we play some pretty stupid games anyway.

To sum everything up, love doesn't always have to be a battlefield. This is my peace offering right here. :) Until next time...

Something we can all (with a few exceptions) relate to.

2010-09-05T14:23:00.000-07:00

*note: names have been changed just because...

So I'm at Logan's one night, cleaning off one of my tables, when I hear an exchange between a guy from ASU (who isn't bad-looking and I'm pretty sure he knows it) and his waitress, who he probably came to see. It goes something like this:

Greg: Hey Allison, tell you what: if I can throw three peanuts into that bucket across the room from here in a row, how about a kiss. Right here. (points to his mouth)

Allison: hehe, ohhhh whateverrrr. (aka in girl terms, 'definitely'.)

so 'Greg' proceeds to throw the peanuts one by one...the first one
makes it in!

The second one...doesn't.

So Greg tries again:
'Well hey, at least I made the first one in--a kiss on the cheek and we'll call it even.'

Then, as I walk by the table (since the peanut-throwing has ceased and the coast is clear) he catches sight of me and says,

'Oh hey, I bet I can at least hit Anne in the head.'

Isn't it funny how people view each of us in different ways...one is the object of a possible kiss, another is a target for flying peanuts. Oh, life.

(March 8, 2009)

For the Rest of My Life (June 1, 2009)

2010-09-05T14:21:00.000-07:00

I want to WORK with my strong knowing HANDS
feel the dirt and the sweat
hear my breath
only laugh when it feels right, not lonely
only fight
for hearts and minds, not ground
turn up the sound
in my space, sing
sing sing sing
thirst, strive to be on a sunday...anyday...

anyway.

My life is mine
to drink in like the sunset, like
Good
Red
Wine...
I don't have enough time
to stand stare open mouth closed eyes
there are too many stars
and 'why's'

why NOT break free?

Since when have they ever been right about standing still being the best?
I can't believe that this world
is only made to sit in wait in feel tight in my skin in.

My words to you...
GET OUT.

Get out of that universal voice in your head saying no, no no you aren't you can't no time so helpless too stupid too useless.

*******
Arizona

There is an
Arizona
out there somwhere, I've seen it felt it
Am drawn to this strange tongue of red dust and sky and no straight lines
open a door and peer inside, see way way way way way way way
down
hard to stop myself from screaming as I jump
into dusky chill, into nameless faces, into unfamiliar roads
until

until the cold splash of life hits my chest my face
heart races and escape
is fading
I'm laughing fast, at last
waking from a long dream

When I see (The Little Girl)

2010-09-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

When I look at you
past you
and see beneath the mascara, past the cup in your hand
i see...

ribbons. braided through your hair.

i see you giggling, looking upside down from a swing up high
past the wearing and tearing of
the fabric of our beings...way back when

past the guys you hope will see
past the drinks you try to swallow
as hard to remember where/when it happened
as it is to remember what you did
to end up here in this heart-place

i see that hope in your face
and who tried to erase
that joy in those wide eyes?
mine want to cry, knowing
you were holding onto the chance
that this world was more than a joke, more than a glance and a quick kiss goodbye
even though you've been hiding
that beautiful sight, that innocent smile, I know

i KNOW

....that that strength is there, I see it, hear it in that cry
you're gonna open those arms wide and fly
and i'll believe in you until (when) you do
and just know
i've seen you (me)
and we
are meant for more than what we've grown up to be.

**note:
i know sometimes i don't tag ppl in these things, and sometimes they come out vague, but this goes out to some girls i know, some i've just met, some of y'all are on fb, some aren't. i just wanted you to know that you are seen, and that every time i see you, i think of how much i've wanted to tell you this. so this goes to you...i hope you come across this and know that someone at least understands a little bit of what's going on.
i love you.

If I were a man

2010-09-05T14:19:00.000-07:00

...I would pick up hitchhikers and hear their stories and not worry they were gonna be creepy towards me.

...I would TOTALLY wear boxers with little pictures all over them. Like superman or seagulls or bacon or whatever. I think guys who don't wear decorated boxers are missing out on a crucial perk of manhood. (But that's just my own thoughts...)

...I would walk around with no shirt on everywhere, and even if other guys made fun of me I'd just smile (because they were just jealous of my manly washboard abs). There's nothing better than being halfway naked, except being completely naked.

...I would tell older women they were beautiful, and younger women they were lovely. Even if I didn't know them.

...I would pull over and help people change flat tires.

...I would never miss a chance to ask someone to dance (and I'd probably have a better chance, since most of the other guys would be sitting out or trying to gather their nerves).

...I'd stuff my face and then work out and it would be all muscle...manly metabolisms and all that, hahah. :)

...yes, Gabe, I'd sport a beard. Until it was summer and then I'd get a mohawk and call life good.

...I wouldn't exclude or degrade women in my vocabulary all the friggin time, especially in Christian conversational settings. I'd be chivalrous, not condescending.

...oh man, I'd perfect peeing my name, snow or no.

...I'd give tall and bigger girls piggyback rides, because they miss em like crazy!

...I'd do that techno/beatbox noise thing that you can really only do with an adam's apple, I'm pretty sure. Soooooo jealous.

2010-08-15T23:10:00.001-07:00

You're like a tall tree.
A tree rooted deeply into a rock.
-lil' heathen boy, 2-3 years ago

Life has been (especially recently) forcing me to acknowledge particular intricacies of the balance between living things...toured an organic farm (Tara Firma Farm) today with mom thanks fo Kate, and learned vast amounts of how life works, how delicate the living process is and how rudely it can be shaken (especially by coughcough huge industrial farm corporations) with drastic consequences to animal health, and consequently to the health of those who in turn consume those animals/animal products. God and California are making me into a believer in all things organic...it's started a dangerous thinking process to say the least. Know what you eat...and what it's doing to the environment. That's all I'm saying.

* * *

Sometimes she lays facedown in the dirt
gently resting her head on something unassuming and real
quietly thinking to herself maybe
maybe even if this isn't how it was intended to turn out
even if life hinges on small possibilities that are beyond me
that at least this breath
is given.

Miracles indeed exist

2010-08-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

I may cross your mind
before I cross that state line
but if I don't call don't be surprised...
that's what I meant by goodbye.
-Levi Smith

Oh mercy, Kathryn Bartlett has just saved Christmas.

Ok, maybe she just-in-the-nick-of-time salvaged my dreams from the pit of despair regarding a certain beautiful and elusive band which has yet to show its face in any public venue from which I can enter and hold its art in my own two hands (and possibly drool on the cover of the album a tiny bit)...and right before I decided I was indeed crazy for believing such a band actually existed outside of the world of mp3s and unattainable music, she told me she had. all. 3. albums.

So rest easy, readers...Levi Smith is indeed alive and well, if only in our hearts and in a select few cd players.

Also, what can be better than having Mama J in my room in Flag, smelling like Jergens and all set to roadtrip to see another beautiful member of our family, lost to the farmlands of CA...kate!!!

Eating life up at the moment, and saving some for the road...mwah.

Question:

2010-07-11T01:41:00.000-07:00

How on earth did I get so lucky to have this guy as my co-mentor??? Brando, you're the cool kid on the block in my book. Thanks for keeping me sane, laughing at the corny jokes, and the free piggyback rides. Not a bad guy...for a Yankee.

heh, heh.

2010-07-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

It started with the armpit hair.

Suddenly, I went from worrying about stubble to stretching languidly in crowds of guys my age with no sense of insecurity.
In a heartbeat, I felt like I could take up room, sit in trees all morning, laugh at my own jokes, and not have to go running to love my body. And I no longer wince if I accidentally leave underwear on my floor. (But then again, I'm unashamedly proud of my underwear.)

Sure, I could feel some stares, but nobody was willing to mention it, and as time passed, people just accepted it as a possible side effect of living out here...and maybe that made me feel more comfortable about forgetting to shave, but the truth is
I've
never
felt
free-er.
(sexier).

....
But there are some days I feel like this is a different universe than the one I was supposed to be in. People don't understand my jokes here, people don't laugh out loud for no reason at all.

My housemates always listen to good music and eat foods I can't pronounce, and go biking instead of releasing harmful fuel emissions into the ozone. They know their liquer, but I can't get them to show excitement in a real way, or let go of that tightly coiled control that keeps them safe for one moment.

I've taken to walking in the woods outside of my front door in the evenings, letting the cool evening breeze play with me and listen in on my thoughts. I used to wish there was someone to share this with, but somehow this feels too intimate for another human being to be there as well...the sky is wide and usually blazes deep orange, and reminds me to look up, not always at my feet.

Also, get this: today, I used the clothesline in the backyard which seems to trap sunshine (confession: I may have moved into this house simply because of that yard, and the view from the front porch) to dry my laundry, and I may never be able to go back to a dryer. I can't tell you how good it felt to pin the linens up, and watch them float in the breeze, losing yourself in the gentle explosion of color...

Also, I miss my sister...she understands the language of laughter and midnight.

Wildfires

2010-06-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

The trees are burning
plumes of smoke are unfurling like unholy flowers,
killing the sun

Notes from the field

2010-06-12T00:32:00.000-07:00

Found the CREC notebook I kind of used this year, so figured I'd write a little more about what happened from January til now for your viewing pleasure :) (warning: it's not all roses, especially the first entry).

Thursday January 21, 2010, Grand Canyon (camped at Phantom Ranch)

Was soaked. Rained all day. Skunk peed on my shoes last night...it's cold too. And my tent has a huge friggin' puddle under it (mostly the vestibule, where my pack was with an extra change of clothes, face-down!). Also, my secret snack (aka something each crew member tries to bring on spike to suprise and delight the other members, especially good in times of crisis) which was pumpkin bread got left out--my own fault since I saw it there when i went to get breakfast and forgot to pack it back--and when we got back to the site (early, like right after lunch because the weather was so bad--plus!) it was completely devoured by animals, not a trace left. I guess they thought it was good, so it's not too insulting. So anyway, no pumpkin bread. Oh, and I didn't bring enough clothes. Because we packed our food and I still haven't mastered packing foor for 8 days (this is the first backcountry for CREC that I've packed in food). BUT everyone is SO cheerful and positivethat it isn't the hell that it could be.

8:30-9p.m., same day

God, I officially don't like this rain. My tent is dangerously close to soaking through, and I hear this rain will keep going through Sunday. Seriously?!? Everything's wet--our clothes would still be soaked if park service hadn't let us use their dryer (thank you...) and I'm praying to you that we will all stay dry the next few nights...

Jan. 22, 2010

On a scale of 1-10 soreness, 10 being unable to move, I'm about at a 7.5 right now. I don't know how lifting rocks is going to work today. Plus, my tent is soaked. Any time the sleeping bag touches the sides of it it gets wet. At least it stopped raining. I'm wearing glasses today...just cant take it...

--7ish p.m.

In my tent after Cat's delish burrito night meal. Also it was NOT rainy til the hike bakc after work, we DIDN'T work with rocks at Tipoff Point like yesterday, and there was a full 5-10 minutes of actual sunshine today! And my sleeping bag liner smells good. And Greg (ACL) has his birthday tomorrow! He wanted ME to do the crew meal (pasta), yikes. Hope it works, my confidence in outdoor cooking= zero.
I don't feel like myself this week--I've been really quiet and kind of in the background, and I've felt clumsy and nerdy and dirty and lazy all since Wednesday. And my tent's still wet (inside and definietly out) and as lame as it is, I just kind of want to go home right now.

January 23

Beautiful sunshine today!!! Woke up, no rain--Cat made pancakes in honor of Greg's birthday (26 years old. Light snow up top that cleared by first break. Learned how to service a poinjaar and rock-stretchered at least 7 big-ish stones for check steps w/ Sam and Greg. Different hike down with Doc (from park service), was challenging for us. Tim busted out a funfetti cake mix and baked a birthday cake, mm!
Pasta didn't kill anyone :)
Still no rain, and stars! It's been better...goodnight.

2010-06-12T00:08:00.000-07:00

I am officially an organ donor in the state of Arizona as of 5 minutes ago. That makes me feel good, like I've done something that could possibly impact the world, even within the next few days (but hopefully not that soon, because death for all its mystery and stark reality is still in a way grim when dealing with, well, me. Or someone I know.).

I miss that feeling, of being something larger than myself...I used to know so much more about the people I care about, as well as annoyingly useless facts, like who I sat next to in pre-school. (Garrett Hallman for those of you who didn't know...he used to pull my pigtails at coloring time, along with his toady Rachel. Oh, I never forget a name or a face...they should hire me in the mafia.) Now, I feel so disconnected from the ones who aren't within my field of vision, which in turn affects how I relate to those who are in my life right now.
While we're on the subject, it's so hard to care about people I haven't met, or may never know. I want to change that. Apathy is a silent, indifferent killer.

I met my high schoolers for the summer term this past week, at a huge campout at Sunset Crater (about 15 minutes from Flag) with all the other YCC kids from Sedona, Flagstaff, and Fredonia. (I'm in Williams with my co-mentor, Brando. That's right, Brando. Like Marlon. <--Is that how you spell that actor guy's name?) It was sweet and SO exhausting...I now fully understand why they implement naptimes at summer camp. Getting up this morning felt like the aftermath of a train attack. One more day of nothing before the prep for camping out at Williams for a week begins. Thank God Shari lent me her solar shower, in case the need arises...I'm an enduring woman, but the thought of so little free time up until now coupled with camping out at our site without a shower was just a little too harsh. I'm not as young as I used to be...
anyway, they're fun--Sierra (I should call ehr "karate kid" for her swift deadly moves in the ninja game we played all week), Brittany (fun-loving, steer-showing blondie), Brian (mr. up-at-6a.m.-when wakeup call is at 6:30...also sasses me good-naturedly), Richard (who I always want to call Robert, gahhh! He's the quiet intense loner), Michael (tagging artist, late sleeper), Wes (who laughs at others' jokes a lot, and isn't much into camping), Jake (always testing us, lets his smarty-pants side get the best of him sometimes but loves a good game of gin rummy), and Trent (quiet and earnest). All in all, I'm pumped, as is Brando. Good summer of fencing, here we come.

I wish Shari could've stayed in town, I'll miss her being out there in Fredonia...

Memories

2010-05-24T15:40:00.000-07:00

There's this picture.
Ah, man...gets me every time.

There I am, in a horrifyingly party pink satin-silky onesie number with a bow in my hair. Sitting on my grandma's lap (said grandma probably picked out said outfit), and

in front of God and everybody

I am PICKING

MY

NOSE

*and crazier, I'm LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF.

Like,this is the most delightful thing in the world to be doing (and showing off to a captive audience) at the moment.

Grandma's leaning waaaayyyy back, (I guess she didn't want the fallout on her pants) and has this wide-eyed, "oh dear oh Lord she's already a deviant and she can't even dress herself yet" look, along with a nervous smile on her face.

I think our relationship hasn't dramatically changed over the years...

she may bring up politics at the table every now and then, but

I picked my nose

in front of God and

Everybody.

happy thoughts after a forever long day

2010-05-17T22:45:00.000-07:00

Moving can take the stuffing out of a woman...so before I hit the sack here are some beauties to keep me smiling after I hit the pillow...

Kate is 22 as of yesterday...and more beautiful than ever, especially without makeup.

Norah loves me!!!! She really really loves me!

Momma J is in town!

TEXAS IS JUST A DAY AWAY...

gosh I used to be able to stay up all night blogging away, with viewers being helpless to resist the witty truths I would carelessly fling upon the screen, and now, I'm too lazy to write more than 4 things. But they're enough...

Detox

2010-05-09T23:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes closing your ears
doesn't happen in time to keep it out

and you have to retreat into the quiet beautiful spaces
fragile-made, created
just in time to hold you just right.

Ugh.

2010-04-27T15:20:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends' exes is now officially crazy. Over the edge. Period. All I can say is that if this turns into one of those bad Lifetime movies, I'm gonna be a little irate.

2010-04-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

"Dear Baby,
Someday I hope someone wants to hold you for 20 minutes straight...they don't try to kiss you, they just want to hold you there in their arms." --Waitress

"I'm tired of being strong."
-Gladiator woman

It shouldn't be so hard to defend my home state from predatory, possibly jealous outsiders. But I am mocked on an almost daily basis from Idahoans, New Jerseyites, and the like. (No fellow Southerner has yet to commit this atrocity I should note here). It may just to give me a hard time, but I find it increasingly difficult to rationalize the harsh stance on anti-environmental standards I've seen in the Lone Star State to carrot-stick eating, public transit-lovin' yankees. It's hard to listen to Southern Baptist jokes from Daoists without cringing at the hint of truth within. But deep down I know (Know!) there are so so many multitudes of reasons why my heart will always belong there...the sunsets,
the friendly waves and beautiful, effortless smiles that I've come to crave in a city crowded with southwestern wannabe's,
the amazing BBQ that cannot be replicated anywhere else...
most of you know that the list is inexhaustible. So on so on.
But it wears me out...like trying to describe love to a canary.

2010-04-09T17:57:00.000-07:00

There's a little boy a few tables away from where I sit in the local Barnes & Noble, speaking a distinct dialect of chainsaw. And I halfway understand what he's saying. But I want to ask him some questions, like
Why is it that running a chainsaw is like trying to understand what a wailing baby wants? I mean, half the time you get it right on the first try, but mostly you just nervously jostle the kid (not to be confused with shaking it) and will it to telepathically communicate its mysterious needs, or better yet, hope that the jostling will have a soothing effect that eliminates any need for further action. I feel like every time I pick up a saw, there's gonna be a 50-50 chance that I'll make it through the day without somehow breaking it in a small way that I won't notice until someone else picks the thing up the next day and it doesn't start. (Not that this part is comperable to the earlier babies reference...erm.)

But I refrain, because his mother is one of those tired-looking laptop ladies who would give me a tired laptop-lady stare if I tried to take up discussing dangerous machinery with a four-year old.

Also, I am bursting to tell you about the dress I am currently wearing that I will somday run away with the circus in. They would take me in a minute in this thing...or at least I should find an elephant to bareback ride with cotton candy in one hand. I'm telling you, this beauty of a smock is giving me some outragious ideas...

But more later...Kate is jonesing for Thai, and who am I to argue?

2010-02-22T15:35:00.000-08:00

"Who is that coming up from the wilderness, leaning on her beloved?"
-Song of Songs 8:5

What if...

2010-01-15T22:48:00.000-08:00

I think in another life, or time, or however the alternative universe system operates, I ended up marrying Daniel Young after secretly kind of camp crushing on him for years. I think we ended up doing outlandish things like tying together a makeshift raft and setting off down the Frio (and sinking after 5 minutes of glorious escape), and we were lazy in that cool sort of way where time doesn't own your life, and he probably smiled that secret smile that was always on the horizon, and we drank way too much chocolate milk for our own good.

I say all this because I ran into a girl who was in my high school sorority my sophomore year (the year of the eyebrows...ergh) in a coffee shop back in TX over Christmas, and she said, "Wow. The last time I saw you your hair was in a ponytail and you were in a scruffy t-shirt...you look great now!" *in a nice way, but still, cringe!* and then continued, "you went to ASU? We all thought you'd gone off somewhere big...you were so smart and stuff..." *who's we? I don't know.*

Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do, and how many millions upon millions of things are different now than they could have been if only...and I wonder sometimes if most of it is for the best or if we tend to screw things up more than we should and just don't realize the gravity of our decisions because the results aren't noticably drastic. Don't get me wrong, I liked ASU and I'm pretty sure Daniel Young would freak out (in Daniel's way, which would probably be a mild, 'whoah' with raised eyebrows or something) if he read this blog. But the bottom line is, I still wonder sometimes.

And now, bed.

2010-01-04T15:32:00.001-08:00

Mmm.

Perhaps in retrospect that wasn't my best idea ever.

?

2010-01-04T13:16:00.000-08:00

Well, I lied. I have to talk about weddings one more time before I retire the subject--

going to a wedding in 2 minutes as mom's escort, and I'm not sure I should. He's an ex-friend from college, we were close friends for 3 years, and it ended badly...haven't seen him at all since at least last fall and I'm not sure if this will renew past bitterness (which I have kept away from me for awhile now and don't want it back) or give the whole thing a new sense of closure.
A new chapter in his life, a continuing and renewed chapter in mine.
You know?

But hey, at least he loves my mom...

We'll see. I want y'all to know that I'm happy--really happy--that he found the girl he was looking for, and that's a fact. And I wish them all the best, even if I might not be able to in person.

Something new, please!

2010-01-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Day one of 2010...hm.

I need a hiatus from wedding talk. I can feel us all slipping into a vacuum of endless chatter about
who is marrying whom,
whether it's a good idea or they're rushing,
listening to recently married friends gab about their husbands,
how
"fun married life is"
(which we all interpret--correctly--as code for a new, fantastic sex life),

and how we're still not married,

and the confusing jumble of ideas that stirs out of its proper resting place deep in our minds.
(Do we even want to get married right now? What does it matter that we're single?? But why are these women being chosen? Did they do something right that I'm not aware of? Is it simply fate? Did I fail to meet some code, or something? etc etc
etc)

But there's only so long that it is an interesting topic of conversation..then you begin to run in circles and rehash old couples, and then as always your married friends assure you your time is coming (but by now you're not even sure that's a relief, it's more a cumbersome statement--I don't want to get married right now and who needs someone to reassure them that they're "marriage-able" anyhow? Makes me feel like there[s nothing more interesting to occupy my conversation. It's a bit too much, I think.

SO.

Gonna take it easy on the marriage talk from now on. Let's explore some new waters, shall we?

2009-12-01T22:24:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a quiet day.
I didn't mind the company,
but I would rather have walked
alone.

Also...
2 weeks til Kate and I see the fam in TX!!!

And
Thanksgiving was pretty good...ate potluck with friends from work. There was green bean casserole, chicken, and in the tradition of CREC-ers, something stir-fried with bamboo in it. (I didn't know you could eat bamboo...I thought you just used it for mats and stuff.) And baked a pumpkin pie and ate that sucker uppppp.

Right now I should be packing for the last spike I'll be going on with my crew, but I think my mind wants to torture my body and keep it awake as long as possible. Plus, I just don't care anymore. It's gonna be cold where we'll be, and the biggest consolation is that 2 whole days of this 8-day are devoted to driving there and back: aka, I'll sleep in the car.
On that note, maybe I should wash that load of socks....hmm...catch y'all later.

8-Day Spike Haiku

2009-10-28T05:21:00.000-07:00

Grand Canyon Spike now.
Backcountry, 6 miles, woo hoo!
I hope it won't rain...

Makeover

2009-10-18T22:32:00.001-07:00

Before...

...After.

(The blonde look just didn't work for me.)

I wonder....

2009-10-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

Kate's been gone since Wednesday on her first CREC adventure (trail work! woo!) and can I just say, it drives me crazy not knowing how she's doing and what's going on.

I guess it comes back to being a big sister who can't be there to protect her little sister from threats, either real or imagined. Like spam. Or annoying boys. Or bugs that mysteriously show up in tents sometimes. (OK, I might have to back out on that last one....we can run away screaming together though?)